Rainbows of Promises

Butterflies

2011-02-17T12:46:00.012-07:00

In the last few years, I've increasingly noticed butterflies in my life. Mostly in little things like home decorating designs, hair clips (I have 6 sparkly tiny ones), and on pretty fabrics. Generally, I like butterfly designs. I've noticed them more in nature too. And I tend to think of them whenever I think of beautiful waterfall landscapes (which never cease to take my breath away).

In the last six weeks, I've been thinking about butterflies a lot. They pop into my mind at the (seemingly) most random times. Driving to work, I realized that perhaps it wasn't so random and I should look to see if there was a pattern or possible reason behind the "distraction." So I prayed and started spending a few minutes seriously thinking about them whenever they came to mind. I really don't know too much about them, just what an average 4th grader might know. (I'm a girly-girl, usually bugs and insects make me scream "eww!!" and run away; I don't typically want to spend time analyzing them.)

As I thought about them, I was struck by a few things. I was fascinated with the different stages of development and how their transformation occurs. I think they are some of the most beautiful creatures (also a bit weird when I really think about it - they're insects!!) that God created. They are simultaneously strong and fragile in appearance. They are a thriving contradiction.

Over the last year of my life, I think I've often felt like a butterfly. I've battled some big issues about myself (perfectionism, insecurity, worthlessness, and trust). I've struggled with (a deeper than I would care to admit to almost anyone) depression for several months. These things have played out through my perceptions of God, perceptions of myself, and relationships with others. This year, I've become practically a hermit, even from my closest friends.

In terms of the life of a butterfly, I think I was in the slug phase in Denver. I was fine with who I was and where I was, (mostly) content with things. I knew I was an ugly slug but accepted my fate and was alright with that (for the most part). I wanted to be a better slug but always saw myself as a slug.
But God has a different vision of who I am. He says I'm a new creation, not just an improved slug. We have been fighting for quite a while over which perception of me is true and accurate. He had to practically force me into a solitary cocoon where only He can speak the truths that I need to hear. Once in said cocoon, I questioned everything I thought I knew. And I experienced the deep betrayal of several close friends in this process. In turn, I have hurt those I care for deeply.

I know that pain is part of being in relationship with others in our fallen world, even with my brothers and sisters in Christ. But it doesn't make the pain hurt any less when it happens. And trying to balance the reality with the truth and practice of grace and forgiveness are always hard lessons to embrace and carry out.

What I am convinced of is that God sees me as a beautiful creation, all His own. I am a new creation, not just an improved upon model of what I was. That I am filled with both His strength and fragility. And that beauty and love are found in what appear to be contradictions.

I know things aren't really as simplistic as I've described them. But they are truths spoken to my heart in a way I was able to receive them and felt led to share.

And the damaged relationships? Right now, I feel more fragile than strong; I think I'm too fragile about this new identity to allow many people into my heart at the moment. Therefore, remaining in the cocoon a bit longer is really appealing. And yet, I really want to spread my wings and live freely like everyone else, embracing the life God has called me to live. I'm trusting the relationships to God and He will appropriately bring reconciliation and (possibly) restoration to them in His timing.

And next time I'm in Denver, I think I may need to visit the Butterfly Pavilion!

His Princess Bride

2010-02-13T10:47:00.007-07:00

Those who know me well know that I have two shopping weaknesses: craft stores and bookstores. :-) LifeWay Christian store has become one of my new favorite bookstores. It is possible (though rare) that I walk in without purchasing anything. I've learned to go only when I'm looking for a specific item.

I was in there a few weeks ago looking for a new women's Bible study (specific goal) and of course found a few other things while I was there. One of the books I found is His Princess Bride: Love Letters from Your Prince by Sheri Rose Shepherd. I went ahead and purchased it because it speaks directly to some of the things God has been working on in me (and it was on sale). It's organized by topic and I've been reading a few of them a day since I bought it. The layout is a brief letter from Christ and then a brief response from His Bride. I opened it today, praying that God would guide me to what I needed to hear from Him today. It opened to the first entry, "I Am Your Eternal Husband." Here is His letter:

My Eternal Bride,

I want to reveal a sacred secret to you, My beloved. Although I am your God, I am also your eternal Husband. I will come soon to carry you over the threshold into eternity. My desire is to lift the veil from your eyes that you might see who you really are, My Princess, My Bride. I am the Lover of your soul. I long to get close enough to give you a glimpse of My eternal love for you. If you will seek Me with all your heart, I will reveal Myself to you in extraordinary ways. If you will come before Me and ask, I will give you a new hope in your heart that will change your view of Me, of yourself, and of the world around you forever.

Love,
Your Creator and Husband

The Lord All-Powerful,
the Holy God of Israel,
rules all the earth.
He is your Creator and husband,
and He will rescue you.
Isaiah 54:5 CEV

Understanding who I really am in Christ and how He really sees me is an area God has been working on in me. Last night, I had a brief conversation with a friend about my identity in Christ and how He's changing specific thought patterns and actions. I've had a hard time making some of the transitions and have stumbled quite a bit this past week.

For many years, I've passed myself off as "the dumb blonde" in groups of friends, particularly when I'm making new friends. It was easier for me to reject and make fun of myself before someone else did so. However, a big problem would arise when the friend would jokingly throw my very words back at me and I took them seriously, not as the joke I originally said. It has become a very dangerous and hard cycle to break, but God is breaking it.

Lord, "may I find myself as I begin to seek You with all that is within me."

Shepherd, Sheri Rose. His Princess Bride: Love Letters from Your Prince. Revell: Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2008. p. 10-12.

Cheap Entertainment

2009-12-28T18:42:00.005-07:00

I have two cats, both of whom have strange personality quirks. However, they share an odd obsession with boxes. They sit on them, climb inside them, dig in them, fight over them, and will flip them over to meet their needs.

Their obsession comes in handy when I need to put them in a carrier for any reason. I bring it out and they immediately start fighting over who is going to sit in it and they're generally happy to be in the carrier because they think of it as another box. Having cats that love being in their carriers is such a huge blessing when one moves as often as I have. :-)

Last night, Posie (a 12.5 pound Tabby-Siamese mix) spent twenty minutes trying to fit in a box far too small for her. She could sort of sit in the box but became frustrated when she tried to lay down and didn't fit. This resulted in her getting up and walking around the box multiple times, digging at it, and trying again (hoping it had somehow expanded since the last attempt). Finally, she tilted it on the lid and laid down on that while still digging at the bottom (now on it's side). See below for pictures of the early part of her attempts.

Today, I had to move some things around to get to some craft boxes. I finally found what I was looking for in one of the boxes and haphazardly put the lid back on it and focused on the project at hand. Not five minutes later, I looked over and Posie had removed the box lid and was sitting on top of the contents, in the box.

After the last twenty-four hours, do you think she's on the hunt for a new box to claim? I would feel badly for her, except that she has her very own box that she completely fits in and is allowed to tear apart. In fact, she routinely jumps in her box, known as "Posie's box," whenever I come in the door. Oh well, at least her toys are cheap: boxes! :-)

As you can see, she barely fits in the box.

But she's so proud of herself for fitting. :-)

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T11:29:00.002-07:00

I love when I'm overwhelmed by funny and sentimental memories from childhood. Not that I want to live in the past, but sometimes it's just fun to remember the silliness and excitement of being a child on Christmas morning. Family traditions are so interesting to me. Each family develops their own and makes them unique, yet there's usually something common to so many of the traditions we share.

One of my favorite childhood family traditions on Christmas morning was how my parents made my brother and me wait to see our tree with all the gifts. We had an enclosed staircase with a landing part-way up. My parents would hang a dark sheet from the ceiling and make sure that we couldn't easily see around it. Even if you did see around the sheet, all you could see was the rest of the staircase. My brother and I would wait upstairs for what often seemed like hours (and as we got older, it was usually hours) before being permitted downstairs to start celebrating Christmas as a family. The anticipation and excitement would build to the point that we could barely tolerate it.

I hope the anticipation of Christmas has built to the point that you can barely tolerate it today! Merry Christmas!!

One Year

2009-12-21T08:47:00.015-07:00

One year ago today, my grandmother passed away. It wasn't a peaceful passing but I'm confident she's at peace, pain free, and joyfully spending an eternity with Jesus. I didn't really get to know my grandmother until I moved to Indiana in 2005 and spent many weekends with her the year I lived there.

I'm so thankful that God allowed us to really know each other and used her in my life in so many ways. Grieving over the loss of her in my daily life has been different than the process I experienced with my dad and my grandfathers. I find it interesting how grief is so unique to the individual relationship, that no one process is identical to another. And yet sometimes, I wish there was a formula for it.

I miss her wise counsel, her laugh, her gruff tone when she'd had enough football viewing for one day (and insisted I change the channel to something else), her encouragement, calling her with recipe questions, and the way she could read through my facade. But I think most of all, I miss how she loved each one of her family members and friends. She had a way of getting to know someone so well and understanding what they needed and how they needed to be loved in that moment. I hope that someday I'm able to love others that way as well.

I'm thankful for the time I had with her and the way God has used her to shape my life. It's amazing how even when someone is gone from our daily lives, God can continue to use them to shape us into who He created each of us to be. I can still hear her reprimanding tone as she yelled at my grandfather when she'd catch him pesting someone or plotting some prank or scheme, "George!" :-) Everyone within earshot would just laugh, knowing he'd been caught and managed to achieve his goal of pesting someone (her) without having to actually prank anyone.

Today, I miss her and I'm flooded by hard memories of a year ago. Usually the better memories occupy my mind, but it's understandable that some difficult ones are there today too.

Below: Grandma with my cousin. Grandpa with his "Four Red Roses" (all the granddaughters). He was probably about to tickle all of us. :-)

Provision

2009-12-18T11:40:00.004-07:00

I finished this (crazy) semester on Tuesday. That day involved working nearly twelve hours and driving more than two hours in traffic to and from my internship. I still have some writing to do for the project, but for the most part it is done. As is typical for me, I've been obsessively checking for my grades since Wednesday. :-)

As wonderful as it feels to not have homework to do today or tomorrow, it also hasn't sunk in yet that I have at least a month of no classes. I'm praying that I pass my classes and am able to graduate this semester, but it could be another two weeks before I know if I passed and apparently it can take up to a month for the graduation application to go through. It's so easy for me to obsess and want to know right now. One friend asked what I was doing to curb how often I check on my grades and I replied that I've been able to start only checking every two hours. ;-) She suggested I find other things to occupy my time and distract me, which is usually what happens. It just takes me a few days to get there and settle into the wait.

Overall though, this has been a really challenging week for me. God is definitely moving in my life and working on some things that He couldn't while I was in the middle of classes. Unfortunately, I've been struggling to be in the Christmas spirit so far. I've been so busy with finishing school and trying to graduate that I haven't had the energy to focus on anything outside of that. I've been trying to bake goodies this week and I need to move furniture and decorate.

I know people would say that Christmas isn't about cookies and Christmas trees; and, they're absolutely right. But, it creates and continues the feeling of mystery, wonder, and joy that Christmas embodies for me. It's the ambiance, it helps me focus on Christ and the gift God gave us in His Son.

And I know that I'm especially struggling with that this year as it is the first celebrated Christmas since my grandmother's passing last year. I miss her terribly and I know that if I don't fully celebrate Christmas this year, a bad pattern could be established where this time of the year is only associated with her instead of properly focused on Christ. There's a balance that needs to be found and I'm still working on it.

Yet, I know God will provide what I need to be able to focus on Him and His Son this season. Perhaps for me, the season of Christmas may only be a few days this year. But that's longer than the season I experienced last year. I hope that God's provision (which is really what Christmas is all about) never fails to amaze me. I hope that I always see His provision, acknowledging it when I see and experience it, thanking Him for how deeply He loves me and each one of us.

After all of that and looking back on this week, I think I need a good laugh. I present, Reindeer Posie and Santa Izzy...

What Faith Can Do

2009-09-30T00:25:00.002-06:00

Kutless - What Faith Can Do

I heard this song the other day and it is so applicable to recent events in my life. I hope it encourages you the way it has me.

Trusting Again

2009-08-27T09:02:00.005-06:00

These songs have been on my heart and are pretty descriptive of how I've been feeling lately. Recently, a friend hurt me deeply. They cut me to the core and I've questioned everything I thought I knew about them and our friendship. Accepting that God wants to restore that friendship hasn't been easy for me. Sometimes I still struggle with putting that into practice, specifically when it comes to trusting that friend again. However, I'm choosing to trust God and allowing Him to guide this friendship. By trusting in Him, He's made it possible for me to trust my friend again. Throughout this process, what I needed to hear over and over again was that God's character is consistent and nothing rattles Him; He is in control. I know He's trustworthy and I need to live that out.

Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken
From the album Into The Light

I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again?
I want to know why, I just want to understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?

When every little thing that I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while I'm here
And I may never know why, I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes and trust this is Your plan

When every little thing that I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken

When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
You're right here beside me and You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

When every little thing that I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken

You're not shaken
You're not shaken

Mark Schultz - He Is
From the album Come Alive

Father, let the world just fade away
Let me feel Your presence in this place
Lord, I've never been so weary
How I need to know You're near me
Father, let the world just fade away
'Til I'm on my knees
'Til my heart can sing

He is
He was
He always will be
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is

Father, let Your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm this storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say

He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul

Through every fear
And every doubt
In every tear I shed
Down every road
I'm not alone
No matter where I am

He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
Be still and know
Be still, my soul
He is

You know your hair is too long when...

2009-08-08T07:11:00.004-06:00

...you close the car door and it gets stuck.

....you roll up the car window and it gets stuck.

....you sit down and try to turn your head and can't because it is stuck.

...it gets stuck under your armpit or someone else's when you give them a hug.

...you need to tie it back in order to keep it out of your food when you eat.

...it takes 20 minutes or more to dry your hair.

...after you shower, you wrap your hair in a towel and it sticks out the end.

...you play with it by reaching around your back.

...it reaches under your chin and you can tie it.

...you can tie it in a knot and it stays for a few seconds.

...you can re-enact Catherine Zeta-Jones' sword fight in The Mask of Zorro.

...you bend over and it touches the ground.

...it's longer than your shirt sleeve.

My hair has been driving me crazy lately. Not all of these are true for my hair, but enough are that it was funny. :-)

Thanks for some of the ideas, D!!

Adjusting

2009-08-03T09:24:00.005-06:00

I've been back from Cologne (Koeln) for a week and am finally thinking the jet lag may be behind me. My stomach has been the toughest thing to overcome. For some reason it has been very sensitive and I wasn't able to eat much last week. I had no problems with the food in Germany, so I find it a bit odd that I started having issues when I returned home. But I was able to eat two full meals yesterday, which is a huge improvement from last week! Today's goal is three meals!

I'm planning on writing more about my adventures there, but haven't had a chance to since I'm still finishing up my last summer class this week. Fall semester starts in a month and I need to finalize my schedule. There's so much to do!

Recent Revelations

2009-07-03T08:40:00.005-06:00

The last several months have been difficult and yet I've been enormously blessed through the pain. I've seen two of my close friendships end in the span of six months. Both were very painful experiences and they left me hurt, battered, and broken. One in particular has been very challenging for me to endure. Accusations have flown about my character and I felt as though that person was permitted to emotionally abuse me while mutual friends just sat there and observed, doing little or nothing to stop the abuse. I know the goal of the mutual friends was not to contribute to that pain, yet they did unintentionally. I've also learned that there were times when they did defend me from the abuse, I just wasn't made aware of those situations until later. They stepped in between us at great risk to themselves and I'm grateful for their love and support. The entire situation has been painful and unfortunate, on all sides. The ending of that friendship deeply shook my world and has altered most of my other close friendships.

Through God, those altered friendships have grown deeper and richer; which was not my former friend's goal. And those friends have become a huge blessing in my life. I continue to be amazed at how God takes an incredibly painful situation and turns it into something of beauty. Through the loss of those two friends, I've drawn closer to Him and to others in my life. He has continued to take down walls that I built years ago. He has used those deeper friendships to help tear down some of those walls and I'm learning to lean on others in times of pain and joy. He has made something new and marvelous in this process.

In the midst of all of this, He started asking me how much I trust Him. Trust seems to be the area God works on in my life the most. It constantly comes up in various ways.

This time last year, while I wanted to eventually be married and have a family, I believed I was too damaged and broken for those blessings. A complete lie and one I believed for years about myself. Thankfully, God has changed that this year.

Also, around this time last year, I ultimately wanted to work as a university archivist. At many (or most) universities, that would require me to go through the process of gaining tenure. This often requires 60 hour work weeks for at least 5 years, often longer if you start out in a lower ranking job where you have to climb the ranks. At the time, this didn't really bother me; I was living with the lie that I would have little to no life outside of work, so I might as well put all of me into work. Again, that is no longer true.

While I would still love to be a university archivist, I'm no longer willing to spend the amount of time it would take to achieve tenure. Also, I believe God will bless me with a husband and family someday. He's reshaping the vision for my life to match His and while I'm excited for that, it also leaves me a little uncertain about how this all fits together.

As I was accepting those altered plans, God started asking me if I would really follow Him, to possibly live in a foreign country and serve Him. To be honest, I didn't really see that question coming. For weeks, I struggled to discern if it was really God's voice in my life. Once I determined it was, I had all kinds of questions and excuses to pose before Him. However, in the end, I agreed that I would follow wherever He leads me, even to a foreign country. I have no idea what that would look like. Would I be there as an archivist, as a missionary, or in some other capacity? Is He asking me to go soon or in several years? What does that mean for library school? The only answer I have is that I need to finish up library school. I have no answers to the rest of these (and other) questions.

I've never been on a mission trip in my life, let alone one to a foreign country. In fact, the only foreign country I've been to is Canada - once when I was 6 and again when I was 18, on a band trip. I'm not experienced at sharing my faith with others. I often feel completely incompetant in just about everything. I don't have many Bible verses memorized. The list goes on and on of how I know I'm not prepared or qualified for such a calling.

I've always wanted to travel around in Europe and at one point wanted to study abroad for a year. However, I've never had the serious desire to live in a foreign country long-term. This is a huge shift for me because that seems to be where He's gently leading my heart right now. And while I trust Him, there are moments of absolute confusion about all of this and days that I spend a large amount of time asking Him to tell me more about His vision. So far, He's been silent beyond just asking me if I'd go (and that I need to finish my degree).

One friend's cautionary advice is that God may not be calling me overseas at all. He could just be testing me to see how much I really do trust Him with His vision for my life. Or He may be working on another area of my life and I'm not seeing it yet. And while I've had the same thoughts over the last several months (on several occassions, I've actually hoped for this to be the case); the idea of living overseas continues to come up. And I have increasing peace with the idea even though I have absolutely no answers to serious (or frivolous) questions on the topic. Which, I will admit, drives me crazy!

I believe the opportunity for me to go to Cologne later this month is part of this process. Granted, I'm going as an archivist with a small group of other archivists, not on a mission trip. Yet, I have no doubt this was completely orchestrated by God and He is at work here.

I just finished reading Captivating. In it, John and Stasi Eldredge spend some time discussing how God invites us to join Him on His journeys and adventures. They use the Cinderella fairytale to illustrate the amazing things that can happen when we accept His invitation, one that may be completely unexpected. They do a much better job explaining this, but here it is in a nutshell: Her life was set on a specific course and she accepted it dutifully. Then one day, an invitation to a grand ball arrived and at great risk, she attended. Later, even when she was punished for her actions, she again accepted the invitation to try on the slipper. Her willingness to accept the invitation forever altered her life and the kingdom's, in a positive way.

Right now, I feel like that's what He is doing in my life, gently inviting me on a journey I've not seriously thought of taking before. I have friends and family members who have felt God calling them to serve Him in foreign countries, in various capacities. And while I have enthusiastically supported them, I have never really felt God calling me to that. I have no idea how it will play out, what His vision is for this. I do know that I trust Him with my present and future, wherever He leads me.

P.S. I felt led to blog this morning and share some of what's been on my heart of late, but this is not what I planned to write. I have kept these new revelations mostly to myself, only sharing them with my closest friends. I'm a little apprehensive to share them with those of you who don't talk with me daily. Apparently, God had a different plan for what He wanted me to share today.

Cologne

2009-06-22T16:33:00.001-06:00

I heard back from my graduate school and have been accepted as part of the team going to Cologne, Germany next month!!! I'm so excited!! I haven't been able to focus on doing actual coursework at all today. :-)

Quick Update

2009-06-22T09:21:00.003-06:00

The Cologne Archives approved SOIS (my graduate program) to help them in the next phase of document recovery! I submitted my application packet and am waiting to hear whether I'll be part of the team or not.

On a totally unrelated note, I love the uniqueness of cats. I'm sitting with both of my cats curled up next me, wanting to be petted. They're also both purring! However, they like to be petted in very different ways and trying to pet both at once is a little challenging. I love that they have such unique personalities! Admittedly, they're both a little odd, but I think most cats are odd. :-)

Cologne Archives

2009-06-16T21:56:00.002-06:00

I heard about the sudden collapse of the Cologne Archives back in March and was shocked by the vast destruction, like so many others. I've always wanted to visit Germany or Austria and have taken many years of German language classes (though that was a while ago). However, those countries have been increasingly on my heart over the last six months.

Much to my surprise, I opened an email on Friday that my graduate school is looking at sending five students to help with the recovery process at the Cologne Archives in July. Initially, I thought I had missed the deadline to indicate my interest. Then I saw that the date initially provided was incorrect. I responded that I wanted more information and the application packet was sent to us today. I also learned that the initial recovery process may have ended and only "professionals" are now wanted for the recovery process. The organizer is still trying to determine if graduate students qualify as "professionals."

I have no idea if God really wants me to go and assist in this project, but it would be so amazing! I'm excited at just the thought of possibly going to Germany, even if it is to sift through dirty and damaged documents for a week. I'll keep you posted on what happens, if I'm chosen to be part of the team and if a team is even able to go.

Thankful

2009-05-18T08:56:00.003-06:00

So, I realize that it has been almost a month since the last blog update. There has been a lot going on in my life. Some of which I feel comfortable sharing and some of which I don't, yet. :-)

I finished the spring semester of school last week! I wasn't sure how well I would finish, I'm still waiting to hear about my grade in one class. But so far, I've passed them and am still on track to graduate in December. God is so good! I start my practicum and summer class in a week.

I was actually failing one class throughout the semester and only became aware that fact in the last month of the course. A couple simple mistakes landed me in that situation and I never seemed able to catch up, until the very end when God provided everything required to finish and showed me grace in the situation.

I spent much time in the last month crying about multiple relationships and seeking God through the challenges in my path. While I am still without some answers to big questions that continue to puzzle me, I have a new sense of peace and calm about the situations. I don't feel like I'm in the midst of a great storm anymore! Every so often, a big wave will seem to come at me and while I may momentarily lose my balance, the peace remains.

I'm so thankful for the work He's doing in my life, for the areas He continues to reveal that need improvement. But mostly, I'm thankful for the peace that comes from learning how to truly trust Him. I've also learned how to have faith that He continues to work in my life, molding me into the person He designed me to be!

History or Invasion of Privacy?

2009-04-19T08:41:00.003-06:00

I really should be doing homework. I'll say that now. I have two papers due today (neither of which I've written) and another due in a few days. But, I'm a procrastinator and this is bothering me. I'll (try to) be brief though.

The title links to an article I saw on MSNBC this morning about whether President Lincoln's supposed brain matter (or blood) on a pillowcase in a museum should go through a DNA test to determine if he had a specific type of cancer that possibly would have killed him within a year of his assassination.

I understand testing the remains of unidentified bone fragments to determine if they really belonged to the Romanov's. It is one thing to test human remains to determine someones identity or to determine how they died. As the article points out, the remains of two former Presidents have undergone testing in the last two decades. Thomas Jefferson and Zachery Taylor (I actually remember reading about Taylor's when I was a child). Jefferson's remains were examined about a decade ago. However, solving those historic mysteries is completely different to me than the reasons put forth by the researcher in Lincoln's case.

Let the man rest in peace! He was our first assassinated President. We know how he died. We also know how he lived. The researcher's argument that he wants to know how Lincoln lived is misguided in my opinion. While knowing what genetic disorder permitted Lincoln's unique physical appearance would be fascinating, it is not worth disturbing his place of internment or destroying (albeit grotesque) historic materials. Robert Lincoln (the last surviving son) made it perfectly clear that he wanted the public to back off and allow his father to rest in peace. He took step after step to try and ensure that would happen.

Publishing private letters between individuals is not at all on the same level as testing brain matter for DNA. And to the researcher: Lincoln's choices regarding the leniency and mercy that he showed others were exemplified throughout the man's entire life! Look at his court cases when he served on the Illinois circuit court. Examine the cases he took later as a well-to-do lawyer in Springfield. His behavior then mirrored his behavior and choices as our 16th President. Did he alter his opinions throughout his life? Yes. Don't we all? I know I do.

But Lincoln's desire to show mercy and provide a way for the Confederacy to rejoin the Union was not made in the vacuum the researcher seems to think it was in. That was always his goal: to have one nation, one union. That would only be possible if they were shown mercy at the end of the most horrific war America has ever witnessed on its own soil.

Also, it is well-documented that Presidents age drastically while in office. Lincoln just happens to have been the first President so heavily photographed as he entered office, during office, and at the end of his life. He was a unique man with amazing leadership abilities and served our country during one of its most trying eras. But he was just a man.

The request to test his DNA is not historic research, it is an absolute invasion of privacy and I sincerely hope the Grand Army of the Republic Civil War Museum and Library bars the request. Don't even get me started on the destruction of historic material...

I Run to You

2009-04-07T11:39:00.004-06:00

I heard this song on the radio the other day and its been stuck in my head ever since. The line, "When lies become the truth, that's when I run to you," caught my attention. It's so true for my life lately.

Trusting Pain

2009-03-28T11:44:00.010-06:00

The last several weeks have been pretty emotionally taxing for me. I feel God working in my life and pushing me to move outside my comfy boundaries in some areas. I have shed countless tears and had several restless nights of sleep. I so badly want to write about a couple specific things going on, but know that now is not the time and it may never be appropriate to share those experiences in this format. I've had some difficult conversations lately, but in the end know I obeyed God and have sought to repair and restore the relationships involved. Coping with the pain of one particular relationship has been very challenging and brought many of the old lies to the forefront of my mind and life.

On top of the personal relationship issues going on, I've also started to stress out about this semester, a summer internship, summer classes, taking the certified archivist exam, fall semester, taking comps, and graduating; all of which are supposed to occur by the middle of December. Then, I need to find employment-which kicks the stress up to a whole new level! I've been overwhelmed and my mind quickly spins out of control worrying and thinking about these things. These times are when I wish I didn't have an overactive imagination!

I was reading in God Calling again this morning and this passage from a couple days ago caught my eye:

March 26
Follow Your Guide

I am with you to guide you and help you. Unseen forces are controlling your destiny. Your petty fears are groundless.

What of a man walking through a glorious glade who fretted because ahead there lay a river and he might not be able to cross it, when all the time, that river was spanned by a bridge? And what if that man had a friend who knew the way - had planned it - and assured him that at no part of the journey would any unforeseen contingency arise, and that all was well?

So, leave your foolish fears, and follow Me, you Guide, and determinedly refuse to consider the problems of tomorrow. My message to you is, trust and wait.

Trust. Typically, my eyes quickly shift to the floor and I emotionally hide when I hear that word. I've had a couple conversations with people lately about trust. It's a huge issue in my life, one that repeatedly comes up. I don't easily trust anyone, including God. I think I'm getting a little better about trusting Him, but trusting others remains an overwhelming challenge.

There have been situations in the last year where I thought I trusted someone. In fact, if you'd asked me, I would've said that I trust specific people in my life. Yet, my actions and reactions to situations reveal quite the opposite; which grieves me. There seem to be several things that trigger what I perceive to be trust to almost instantly erode in my friendships and when the crisis passes, it returns. Not a good thing to happen and it means that it isn't real trust.

I've seen this reaction occur a couple times in the last year (to varying degrees) and only one person has called me on it, though others have echoed similar concerns when I inquire. I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to trust others and for that trust to be deep and strong, not fleeting and fragile. Right now, I don't know how to get there. I do know that I can trust God and need to do so while I wait for His guidance. So, that's what I'm going to do, though I know it won't be easy... I guess trusting others will only start to occur once I learn to trust Him.

Mr. Bean -Library

2009-03-13T23:19:00.003-06:00

Thought I'd share this video with you. I'm slightly horrified by the antics, but it's still funny. It was actually assigned by one of my professors for class this week. Hope you enjoy it! :-)

Smiles Are Good

2009-03-10T22:45:00.006-06:00

This week has been one for the record books. I needed something that would make me laugh and then this came on the radio. It didn't quite make me laugh, but at least I smiled!

I'm Still a Guy
Brad Paisley

When you see a deer you see Bambi
And I see antlers up on the wall.
When you see a lake you think picnics
And I see a large mouth up under that log.

You're probably thinkin' that you're gonna change me.
In some ways well maybe you might.
Scrub me down, dress me up,
Oh but no matter what remember I'm still a guy.

When you see a priceless French painting
And I see a drunk naked girl.
You think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy
And I'd like to give it a whirl.

Well love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of
And in weak moment I might walk your sissy dog,
Hold your purse at the mall but remember I'm still a guy.

I'll pour out my heart, hold your hand in the car,
Write a love song that makes you cry.
Then turn right around knock some jerk to the ground
'Cause he copped feel as you walk by.

I can hear you now talkin' to your friends sayin',
"Yeah girls he's come a long way from draggin' his knuckles
And carryin' a club and buildin' a fire in a cave."
But when you say a back rub means only a back rub
Then you swat my hand when I try.
Well now what can I say at the end of the day,
"Honey, I'm still a guy."

And I'll pour out my heart, hold your hand in the car,
Write a love song that makes you cry.
Then turn right around knock some jerk to the ground
'Cause he copped feel as you walk by.

These days there's dudes gettin' facials,
Manicured, waxed and botoxed.
With deep spray-on tans
And creamy lotiony hands you can't grip a tackle box.

Yeah, with all of these men linein' up to get neutered
It's hip now to be feminized.
I don't highlight my hair, I've still got a pair.
Yeah, honey I'm still a guy.

Oh my eyebrows ain't plucked
There's a gun in my truck.
Oh thank god, I'm still a guy.

How Many Years?

2009-03-07T11:38:00.002-07:00

My family moved to Colorado in March of 1992; which means that as of a couple days ago, I have lived here for 16 years!! I always tell people I was 12 when we moved, but technically I was 11. If you think my math is wrong, I spent a year in Indiana after graduate school.

I remember being angry with my parents and devastated that we moved less than two weeks before my birthday. I couldn't understand why waiting two weeks wasn't possible. They did everything they could to make it up to me, but truth be told, I didn't let them off the hook for years. Once I started to make friends here, I was less upset about it and embraced being a "transplant." Unfortunately, that took two years to happen. Yeah, I have a temper and know how to hold a grudge. I'm Irish; what do you expect?

It still seems odd to me that I've spent more of my life here than in Ohio and yet so much about Ohio still defines me. I think I'll always be partly Midwestern in my heart, though I have fully embraced the spirit of the West.

It's crazy to think that this time next year, it is likely that I'll be living in another state. A far-fetched idea is that I could be living in another country. Totally possible, but not very probable. I have no idea where God will call me to move; I could remain in Colorado for all I know. But I feel like I'm being prepared for some grand adventure, the likes of which I haven't yet experienced. I'm excited to see where He takes me and what He has planned for me there! For now, I'm going to enjoy being here and am so thankful that my parents followed when He called them to Colorado 17 years ago!! Living here has been one of the biggest blessings of my life!

Politics

2009-02-28T22:41:00.005-07:00

People who know me well know that I operate with a pretty big screen that blocks others from having a clear view of my political opinions. Over the years, I've learned this is an area where I'm the opposite of most of my friends and acquaintances. Most people I know quickly share their political opinions but shy away from talking about their personal story. It usually doesn't take much for me to tell my life story to those around me, but ask me about politics and I tend to shut down. I'm opinionated; I just rarely share what I think about politics with others. I could tell you how to get me to share my opinions, but really don't want to. :-)

This isn't really political, but it's in the area so it counts for me. Yes, the screen is that big.

I don't want this to sound disrespectful or morbid, but I'm thankful that this week Secretary Gates announced a plan to lift the ban on coffin photographs of service men and women who have given their lives for this country. The plan is in the early stages, but it sounds like family members will be permitted to decide how much privacy they want regarding this issue.

I think I understand the reasons this ban was instituted in 1991; however, the entire story of war should be documented and reported on fairly in this country. I include photographs of our wounded and dead in that documentation, coffin or otherwise. Matthew Brady and others who followed in his footsteps have given us an honest and balanced perspective of the casualties of war this country has fought in the last 100+ years. If we can't tolerate those images, we have no business being at war.

I could go on about this, but won't. I've said what I wanted to and felt I should say, back to life as usual with my political screen firmly in place!

10 Years

2009-02-22T09:30:00.001-07:00

My life changed forever ten years ago today. At the age of 43, my dad died of esophageal cancer. He had been diagnosed five months earlier, by then it had metastasized to the liver and stomach. Diagnosed at stage 4, he was given a 5% chance of surviving 3 years. The doctors said that the cancer was probably only 4-6 weeks old when they caught it. Given that he had no prior history of smoking or drinking, activities generally associated with esophageal cancer, the doctors said they were lucky to catch it as early as they did.

Throughout his illness, he was convinced God would heal him. He never lost that hope, confidently clinging to it on the most difficult days. He insisted that everyone around him believe he would be healed too-completely trusting God to meet his needs. Thankfully, the worst day of his illness was his last in this world. God blessed my entire family by taking him home peacefully and quickly.

One of my friends was sharing part their life story with me last week when they said, "God showed me He could've done [x], and then didn't." It stuck me that God did the same with my dad. After a round of chemo and radiation, the tumors drastically shrunk. The doctors said they had never seen anything like it; they began to believe he would go into remission. Of course, my dad used it as an outreach opportunity, sharing his faith with whomever he encountered. God showed that He could have healed my dad, but in the end didn't.

It took me eight years to fully grieve his loss in my life. This year's anniversary feels different for several reasons. While my heart still hurts, there's peace and acceptance that overwhelms the pain. I also want to rejoice in the man he was:

He loved and served God throughout his life.
He loved and protected his family and close friends with a passion that sometimes overwhelmed people.
He was fun and mischievousness.
The family that does yard work together...gets frustrated and mad together! I don't know how many summers we spent landscaping different parts of our yard in Colorado.
He spent countless hours tinkering with his 1961 Chevrolet Bel Air. I don't know how many antique car shows the family went to over the years, but we had fun at them!
He loved computers and new technology. He would be beside himself with all the technological gadgets we have now.
And my absolute favorite: He was only ticklish on the bottoms of his feet. Tickling him of course meant the entire family had to tackle him! Eventually, my brother and I were able to tackle him without my mom's assistance, but it generally took quite a bit of strategy and coordination. :-)

Today, I miss my daddy more than usual. I'm having a hard time believing that I've lived a decade without him. In the end, all I can say is: God is good; His plan is perfect!

Dating

2009-02-17T08:15:00.005-07:00

Lately, I've had a several conversations with people about dating. I blame Fuse's next study on the Song of Solomon for this. ;-) When people ask about my dating status or whether I date, I usually give this vague and simple explanation, "I'm single and don't currently date because God's made it clear that's not His plan for me right now." While true, it doesn't fully explain what God has revealed to me about this area of my life. A friend got me thinking about this last night.

It's no secret that I was involved with a church during college that rejected the concept of dating. From the pulpit (or stage in their case), they preached the gospel of courtship according to Joshua Harris and others in his ideological camp. The concept of "guarding your heart" was openly discussed, wildly embraced, and frequently (at least on my small group) applied to people's lives in extreme ways. Many people I knew failed at this, including me-with sometimes disastrous results. It isn't a bad concept, I just saw and experienced it applied legalistically; not a good thing. Random comment: I don't want to hear about the nature of our hearts/relationships in comparison to tape ever again! I know that's a lot to ask and probably isn't possible-but it makes me cringe.

I attended a (women's) prayer meeting in college where a girl revealed she was no longer talking to God because she wanted to be married to a guy in the church, only he wasn't (openly) pursuing her. She was angry at God because she wasn't getting her way-she was convinced this was the man she was supposed to marry. (This type of thing happened somewhat regularly in the church, it just wasn't often revealed in larger prayer meetings.) It was honest and brave of her to confess where she was with God, but she was letting a man interfere with that relationship, not wise. Less than a month later, the girl was engaged to said guy, they went on their first date, and got married six months later-in that order. This became fairly common in the last year (or two) that I was part of that church. To be clear, I found this practice rather disturbing. What got to me was that couples like the one in this story were held up as good examples to follow, as they guarded their hearts prior to being engaged. Huh? I think I have mental whiplash from that logic.

As I saw (and experienced)-having been in one official and several unofficial (or as my friend calls them-fake) dating relationships-people who managed to get engaged prior to officially courting or dating failed to guard their hearts. To be willing to commit and marry someone without ever having officially or openly spent one-on-one time with them, getting to really know them with a shared understanding of the relationship's purpose, and growing closer together as you grow closer to God means their hearts were wrapped up with each other somewhere along the road without the verbal commitment. That's dangerous, no matter how you look at it. While things worked out well for the above couple, that wasn't always the case. *slowly steps off the soapbox*

So, back to my original topic... It would be really simple for me to explain my own not dating stance by blaming it on the guy who assaulted me. I did that for years, it's too simple and no longer true for my life. I also used to explain that I was too damaged or messed up to ever be in a relationship; I don't believe that anymore either. In the past couple of years, several people (mostly guys) were patient with me as I relearned how to communicate and trust others-usually by chatting with them online. Hiding behind a computer screen works well for me. (What filter?) ;-) I never met most of those people, but I did meet some; others were "old" friends. The trick has been taking what I've learned and applying it to real life. I'm not so great at that part of it-more patience has been required during this process. I think it's slowly getting there though.

Last year, I was lamenting to God about not having a boyfriend and how lonely I was. I found ways to correct that on my own, but eventually gave them up as I realized that wasn't God's plan for me. It was a tough year, I slowly returned to God, and experienced much loneliness throughout that process. I wanted several deep and close friendships; I had one. Most others remained on the surface for a variety of reasons. I was driving to work one morning when it struck me: I can't be in a dating relationship with a man until I know how to truly and wholeheartedly love and serve God; I needed to date God! This actually applies to all of my relationships, but at the time it was specific to men.

My relationship with Him needs to be grounded, strong, and successful before a man can enter into the picture. So, I'm letting Him pursue me; it's why I finally stopped running. I'm not doing this so that I'll eventually be married, but rather that this is what God wants from me. Regardless of what His plans are for my future, I want to know Him at a more intimate level.

I heard and applied this to my life in college, but utterly failed when it mattered most and I ultimately placed my small group and friendships above God. This time around has been different. There's a new perspective on it for me. I've made some mistakes along the way over the last year. "Austin" is the first that comes to mind. I don't always spend as much time with God as I'd like to. However, I don't beat myself up over it and I'm content with where things are right now, confident that He is guiding and leading me. There are still times I struggle with being single, but a peace remains throughout the struggle that has never been there before.

I also routinely ask for God to guard my heart. Yeah, who thought I would ever pray that for my life again? Not me! I think my perspective on this concept is more balanced now. It doesn't mean exactly the same thing to me that I was taught in college.

Am I opposed to dating? No, I just know that right now God wants me to focus solely on Him. If it's His will for me to enter into a dating relationship, He'll shift me in that direction in His own time and for the proper man. Do I want to be in a relationship that someday leads to marriage? Yes, but that is no longer my life's singular goal. Are there times when I wish someone was there to hug and hold me, to comfort me? Yes, that's when I seek God and sometimes spend time with the incredible women He has placed in my life. God has revealed that dating is not part of His immediate plan for me. Right now, He just wants me for Himself.

My family jokes that God will have to drop a man out of the sky and onto my car for me to notice him. I should sell my old car soon-what if He puts him on the wrong one?! ;-D It's not that I don't notice men, I do. I just don't notice if they notice me, which works pretty well. It isn't foolproof and there have been some negative interactions as a result of this approach; however, it's better than me looking for the signs of interest and getting all giddy over nothing. Yeah, I'm a mushy girlie-girl, I hope someday someone will embrace that about me; for now, God protects it.

I'll take more notice of a man and date when God makes it clear that is His plan and the man openly pursues me (no more fake dating!); or drops out of the sky onto my car... It's a white... ;-)

Wallhanging

2009-02-15T01:59:00.004-07:00

This is the first quilt I completely finished. This is the best picture of it, even though the binding of one side isn't seen. I wonder what my favorite color could be... ;)

Thriving?

2009-02-12T12:44:00.002-07:00

I read this passage the other day in a devotional I use. From God Calling "The Lifeline:"

Think of My trees stripped of their beauty, pruned, cut, disfigured, bare, but through the dark, seemingly dead, branches flows silently, secretly, the spirit-life-sap, till, lo! with the sun of Spring comes new life, leaves, bud, blossom, fruit, but oh! fruit a thousand times better for the pruning.

Remember that you are in the hands of a Master-Gardener. He makes no mistakes about His pruning. Rejoice. Joy is the Spirit's reaching out to say its thanks to Me. It is the new life-sap of the tree, reaching out to Me to find such beautiful expression later. So never cease to joy. Rejoice.

When I read that a couple days ago, I thought about how nice it would be for that to be true of my life someday. I woke up this morning and began to realize just how much God has healed me in the last six months. I know there's still work to be done, but I feel like spring may actually come to my life again! Sometime soon!

I can't believe that of all places, I seem to be thriving in Aurora! I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I still am. In chatting with a friend today, I mentioned how I was struck by this. They pointed out that I finally stopped running. I'm finally willing to sit still long enough to let God catch me and heal me. It's true, so many things have been going on around me lately. Things that I've really struggled with and have questioned. Even a year ago, several of these things would've caused me to pick up and run as far and as fast out of dodge as possible. I haven't done that here. I've stood firm, trusting God to move me where He wants me.

Stuck in My Head

2009-02-11T11:40:00.003-07:00

I think this song sums up my week or even the last month pretty well. It seems like it's on the radio whenever I'm in my car lately. You think there's a reason for that? ;-)

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)
Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

"Moment"

2009-02-05T23:41:00.002-07:00

I don't have too many "moments" (anymore) as my friend generously called my meltdown this evening. Love you, Sweetie! ;) However, it took me less than an hour to go from being totally focused on school to completely distracted and needing to talk with a friend to return to reality. Hours later, I'm still a little flustered but should be able to finish my homework tomorrow. Stupid overactive dramatic imagination.

*Sigh* After talking with friends, I feel calmer. I'm still anxious about what sent me over the edge today, but realize this is out of my control and for now I don't need to act on anything. I always forget how upset some people get about my story when I first tell it. Or rather how shocked they seem to be. But don't we all have stories like that?

I think it's time for bed... According to Anne Shirley, "Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet" (Anne of Green Gables). Yay!!! I can't mess tomorrow up yet! :-D

Drinking walls

2009-02-01T02:59:00.008-07:00

From time to time, different parts of Aurora trigger my memory. I realize that I learned to drive here and should have a better grasp of how the streets are connected and the various ways to get places. However, I just don't seem capable of figuring it out (I also don't try very hard). Recognizing everything based on physical landmarks instead of street names probably doesn't help. :) Most of my points of reference are 10 years old, another hindrance.

High school has been on my mind a lot lately. I was on my way to a friend's house the other day when I realized that if I turned left onto a certain street, it would go to my high school boyfriend's house. I don't know the name of the street, I just recognized the entrance into the subdivision. Difficult to believe that I spent as much time there as I did and now I barely remember where it was or how to get there. I rarely have that problem with my friends from Mission, but that's because we routinely caused trouble there; of course, living there probably helped too! ;)

I've been rather nostalgic lately. Particularly about the men who have been part of my life. Only one guy qualifies as an official "ex" but there have been several male friends and family members who greatly altered my life, both positively and negatively. I've been reminiscing about those relationships and the person I've been over that time span.

I was out the other night, celebrating a friend's milestone! After a lovely dinner, some of us went to get a drink. We wound up at what I consider to be a bar/club. Not my type of place; I'm more into quite pubs and shooting some pool, a more relaxed environment. I don't like the feeling of being in a meat-market. I haven't been to a place like the one we went to since grad school. It usually took 3-4 drinks to get me to loosen up enough to leave whatever seat I parked myself in. I also never met guys at places like that, I was there to have fun with the friends I arrived with. Oh, the stories from those days; the S&THC at it's best! ;)

In grad school, I spent a year drinking several evenings a week with friends. Later, I realized that I was drinking to avoid the emotional pain of grieving. At the time though, I enjoyed the numbness and it was the only way I knew how to cope with the overwhelming grief of losing almost every friend I'd made in four years. I know how devastating those choices were for me, but sometimes the idea of running away (even just for a couple hours) really appeals to me. Which is probably why my close friends seem to get a little concerned when I mention that I want to get drunk (like the other night). However, I was DD-no drinking for me!

All of this to say, someone asked me if I was alright with what went on at the bar. I am, I had fun; it was interesting to see people in a different setting and things didn't get too out of control. I was in full protective mode and the guys with us were awesome and made me feel so safe in that situation. Yet, the whole thing made me realize just how thick my wall is. Part of that was the environment, but most of it was me not trusting people (or myself). The guys who were with us don't know my story; they have no idea why I backed up a foot or more when they tried to dance with me. They were unaware that the idea of them touching me, even just my arm had me on full alert.

I'd love to blame it all on the environment, but I know that's not true. I really noticed it several months ago with how I reacted towards friends who have always been completely respectful to me. Its taken me years to just be me around girl friends again. After being a hermit and completely gun-shy of men, I finally talk to guys (at least); however, one of them touching me still sends me into a mild panic. Sometimes I think I will be standoffish the rest of my life, which breaks my heart a little.

I keep hearing, "You learned your lesson too well." Yet, I'm not sure how to correct the path on this one. I want to find a comfortable balance and actually be me, no matter whether I'm with men or women. To be completely honest (this is a little embarrassing to admit), I've been waiting for my own Prince Phillip to slay the dragon, scale the walls, and wake me up to actually live my life. Yeah, I'm a dreamer (and love Disney fairytales). I know that I can't rely on a guy to fix my issues, only God can heal what's still broken in me.

I miss my friends from college, I miss the person I was to those friends. Many of those friendships had a painful ending, but those people knew me well and for that period they were dear to me. Those people knew me as someone comfortable giving and receiving hugs. A person who had no problem sitting on a couch next to them and putting my head on their shoulder. Someone who felt safe falling asleep in their presence. The woman who crammed into a pillow fort on the living room floor with 10 friends. A person who actually turned to friends in times of distress for support, whether it was during grief or suspenseful movie scenes. I trusted them with my dreams and failures.

How do I get back to that level of trust and openness with people again? God has taken down so many of my walls. Yet, it seems like each time one tumbles to the dirt, a new one is revealed. It was previously unseen (or ignored), but now becomes the primary mode of protection. Will it ever end? Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be completely healed. What needs to happen so that I am?

If this post feels rather disjointed, I suppose it is. However, it makes sense to me. I see the path from the girl I was in high school to the young woman I became in college and the woman I am now. The relationships that I let destroy me were overwhelmingly with men-family and friends. There were plenty of female friends and family members who hurt me as well, but that pain healed relatively quickly. God has laid on my heart something that I need to do to reopen the lines of communication with one of those men. I'm scared to death that he'll just crush me again, it really wouldn't take much. Yet, I know I need to obey and do as God has asked...

Master of...

2009-01-30T13:00:00.002-07:00

Procrastination! I've had all week to do my readings and coursework, yet here I sit trying to cram it into one day. Next week will be better! It always takes me a couple days/weeks to get back into the swing of being in school. This semester is looking like it will be pretty demanding of my time, more so than last semester. I also have to weigh what to do this summer. I need to have fieldwork experience, but may also have to take a second class with it. Do I stay and graduate next May (2010) or try to be done in less than a year from now (Dec 2009)? Too many things to think about. Today, I just need to post for class and get it over with!

I'm still procrastinating by blogging instead of writing for my classes. :-) But at the moment, I need a mental break. I've had a lot on my mind this week, which has significantly contributed to my procrastination. I don't really feel like going into all of that right now, but it's been a strange week. I've contacted old friends out of nowhere and am overdue in responding to others. I'll get back to you, I promise!

For those who've asked, I am sleeping better now. The solution is somewhat childish, but it works. That day will probably haunt me for a while, the way my dad's last weekend haunted me. But, I have a peace about it that I didn't have a couple weeks ago.

One friend "kidnapped" me for lunch this week and it was really great! We sat and chatted, catching up. I wasn't permitted to bs my way out anything (though I certainly tried). So many of you have been patient and understanding with me. This particular friend was just what I needed that day as they said, "I know you'll come out of your bubble when you're ready; in the meantime, I'm here for you." This little push to rejoin society and let me know how much they care meant so much to me! When left to my own devices, it takes me a long time to emerge from my bubble, but gentle tugs from friends are so welcome. Trust me, I'll let you know if I really want to hideout from the world!

Before I forget, you should check out my friend Angela's blog! She came over Monday and sketched the cats for her portfolio. She's so extremely talented and her blog is full of interesting art things going on, that I'm completely oblivious to without her!

Alright, I'm going to work on school stuff...really! ;-)

School!!

2009-01-27T11:08:00.002-07:00

*Sigh* Real life has invaded my vacation. Well, it wasn't a true vacation; however, I was enjoying not having any coursework to complete and being able to watch old movies. I spent much of my free time rummaging through decades of things I have accumulated. My family decided to reorganize our storage unit so my belongings could be moved out of the garage and my mom's car move in. We managed to empty a large portion of the unit (mostly by getting rid of an old tandem bike) and some large tools that belonged to my dad and grandpa. The car should now fit! Well, it looks like it will fit, I have a feeling that we'll have to move some of the remaining boxes and tubs around before it will actually fit.

Classes started yesterday for Spring Semester 2009. Bah! Actually, I'm pretty excited about my classes this semester. One has me scared, I think it may be statistics for librarians. Can you hear me crying from where you're reading this? Math and I rarely understand each other. I barely survived high school math courses and then took one math class in college-one! I haven't had math in nearly ten years! Granted, I've brushed up on my geometry skills over the years for the GRE (evil exam) but that doesn't really count. I'm calming down about it. There's no point in getting all wound up until I really get into the readings and see how it goes.

That said, I'm off to "attend" class... Maybe I'll take a nap first; I managed to turn my days and nights around over the weekend-not fun!

A New Year

2009-01-04T22:54:00.008-07:00

Well, its been almost a month since my last post. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's!

For those who haven't yet heard, my grandmother passed away a couple days before Christmas. We didn't feel like celebrating the holidays, though we did once we were back in Colorado. Much of the family was present when she passed, including me. To be honest, I wanted to be there and I'm glad I was; however, it was more traumatic for me than I thought it would be. I won't go into graphic details, but I've had a difficult time sleeping. Earlier on the day she passed away, I watched a spooky German movie from 1936 about an insane criminal who died and then possessed the body of his doctor; I don't think that movie has helped me sleep. Late at night, my brain combines the two experiences into one and I have awful nightmares about it all. And people ask why I don't watch scary movies...

In other news, my brother is staying with us for a couple of weeks. It's nice to have him here, though a 2 bedroom condo with 3 people and 4 cats is a little crowded. He brought the complete series of a Japanese drama/comedy for all of us to watch together. It's entertaining and we've enjoyed the show. He's had to explain quite a bit about little things, like what food is being eaten in various scenes and the show "25" the protagonist keeps watching. Last night we were fascinated that an entire episode revolved around fireworks and the best place from which to view them in the city.

I finished my first semester of library school! My grades are better than I anticipated and it's nice to have part of it done! Spring semester classes start later this month, one professor already has a class section posted. I thought I struggled with some portions of the curriculum last semester, one whole required class this coming semester is on an area I don't understand at all. That ought to be fun! ;-)

Ohio State is playing Texas tomorrow in the Fiesta Bowl-OSU really needs to win! That also means I need to make buckeyes for us to eat while we watch the game. Guess how I'm spending a portion of my day.

For those who've known about my family, thank you for being so supportive and patient with me the last couple of weeks. I know I've been more and more in my shell lately. I appreciate how you've continued to reach out to me even when I take a couple days to return phone calls and haven't felt like rejoining the world. I made it to church and Bible study today; I'm hoping that will help me get back into my routine.

I think that's all for now. I'm off to try and get some rest! Have a wonderful week!

Pearl

2008-12-07T12:06:00.002-07:00

"A day that will live in infamy...." December 7, 1941. 67 years ago, Japan bombed the U.S. Naval base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. It too was a Sunday. This morning, I thought about how it would feel to awaken to bombs going off nearby, the sound of gunfire, and dozens of airplanes overhead. I doubt I would've reacted as calmly as many of the men and women on base did that morning.

When I left to go to church this morning, Aurora was covered in flat gray clouds. I could see blue sky off in the distance, but it was overcast and gloomy this morning. Kind of appropriate for the day. By the time I left church to return home, blue sky was emerging and the sun was peeking out.

A strong argument can be made that we forced Japan's hand, which led them to bombing us. We should've expected something along the lines of the attack on Pearl Harbor after what we did to them. Yet, all the text books in K-12 schools teach is that Japan attacked an innocent nation. I heard that in Japan, they teach their students a similar perspective about the bombs we dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. I don't know how true it is, but don't really doubt that the horrors of the atom bombs are taught out of their historical context. Our textbooks do it, why wouldn't another country's?

Pearl Harbor holds a unique place in our country's history. We entered World War II as a result of the attack. By the end of the war, we were an international superpower. A title we continue to try and maintain in an ever changing world. There are other major developments out of the attack, but I don't have the time to go into them right now.

I really wanted to post links to museums and stories of survivors of December 7, 1941 (on both sides). Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of finals for graduate school. Getting lost in the history of today will have to wait for another time. Papers, presentations, and an exam are calling my name and require my time.

Good Grief

2008-12-04T13:41:00.005-07:00

Sometimes it feels like grief is the major theme of my life. On more than one occasion, I've caught myself marking time by it. Just as I think a season of mourning is ending, it starts for something else. There are so many types of grief and ways to mourn the loss of a person, place, and life that it can easily become overwhelming. Someone used to tell me, "Life shouldn't be this hard." I feel like that today, things shouldn't be this hard-and yet they are. It won't always be this hard, but it is right now.

Recently, I've been mourning the loss of Fort Collins and how the move to Aurora has changed my life. Not that being in Aurora is bad, it has actually been good for me, but it hasn't been easy. I still miss driving up the Poudre, going to Horsetooth, and walking around City Park to clear my mind and heart. I really miss the little things, like walking into church and being greeted with a friend's trademark hug, observing the (often entertaining) interactions of the youth group, and catching up with a friend over pizza and a beer. It felt like home, Fort Collins feels like my home. And God asked me to leave it, which I did-with a rebellious heart, but I left when He asked me to.

God has been asking for more and more of me lately. A good thing, something that requires change on my part. In the midst of my excitement, I find myself grieving over some of the changes He's asking me to make. Lately, the grief has been more apparent than in recent months. Or, I feel like it's more apparent-maybe it isn't.

A couple weeks ago, I slipped back into the habit of letting my emotions determine my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Not the best plan, but it happened. Needless to say, its been a rough couple of weeks. I believe I'm back on track, but the grief over new changes God is asking me to make has been difficult to work through. There has also been a lot of challenging family stuff going on.

He's calling me to change some things in my life; I'm not sure how to change some of them and other areas I don't want to. I'm afraid that when I make the changes He's asked of me, I'll lose more than I'll gain. I'm aware that's a lie, but it seems so true today and it's one of the things holding me back. Some changes seem sudden to me, so I'm still listening and weighing what to do. However, one area isn't so sudden as the others and I'm still reluctant to obey.

My heart is breaking over these things and I'm frustrated with myself. I know His way is better than mine is, He's proven it so many times, but I still struggle with obedience. While He's given me a certain amount of clarity about why I'm grieving (something I didn't have a week ago), the process seems directionless and is still difficult. I have some tough decisions to make and then carryout over the coming weeks. But right now, my heart just hurts. As a dear friend used to say, "I'm sitting in the ashes today."

Shifting Pieces

2008-11-30T18:37:00.002-07:00

The last couple of weeks haven't been all that great; they haven't been all that bad either. I feel like I'm drifting in a fog and I'm not sure from where the fog came or how I got caught in it. My life suddenly seems to be upside-down, only it isn't. I'm pretty sure this makes no sense to anyone, it doesn't really make any sense to me either-hence the fog.

I feel like Doris Day's character at the beginning of Midnight Lace, when she gets caught out in the bad London fog and someone tries to kill her. I identify with the panic the character experiences; the confusion about being lost and not having any bearings.

Recently, some pieces of my life haven fallen into place. The new pieces fitting have shifted others out. I know God is rearranging things for the better, but I'm feeling rather lost in the process. I know it's a hard process, it doesn't make it any easier though. I'm trying to trust Him more, but that's easier said than done.

Recently, a friend said I've been "off" lately. He/she didn't know what was really going on and I can't really explain it. I was a little sad at first that they realized I haven't been doing so well, but then was excited that they even cared to notice and mention it to me! This friend didn't accept the cheap shallow answers I tend to peddle to people. He/she saw beyond my front and pushed to dig deeper into my life. I need friends like this! I have so few of them, they're so precious to me. Most people are willing to remain outside my walls. There's nothing wrong with that, it's natural. But, I really appreciate friends who take the time and effort to get to know me and dig around in my life. It also meant a lot that he/she noticed and said something without me having to explain myself. I constantly explain myself to others-a habit I picked up years ago when I realized most people don't understand me or have no desire to understand me.

In the vein of being honest about things, this weekend has been a rather dismal for me. I was excited about the snow, but spent much of the time either on the verge of crying or ready to fly into a rage. Honestly, one of the highlights was remembering that I actually do have close friends who care deeply for me and consistently point me back to God, no matter what is going on in my life (or theirs).

I believe God likes my life messy, it means He's in there moving things to where they belong. I was lamenting earlier to a friend how much simpler life was a couple years ago. Granted, I had little to no desire to be alive and couldn't handle having friends in my life. But, there was a peacefulness then that has since disappeared. I know it was peaceful because I was largely comatose, the opposite of what God called me to do-live. Still, there are times that I miss that peacefulness. This weekend has been one of this nostalgic times for me. Strange, that I get nostalgic about lies-but that's where I've been lately.

A friend offered his/her complete support during this difficult time in the fog, for as long as God has me enveloped in it. I needed to hear that this evening, I needed to be reminded that God has me right where He wants me and He's with me. God should be my focus, not the fog-I'm so easily distracted. When will I learn?

When It Rains...

2008-11-29T10:57:00.003-07:00

Eli Young Band
When it Rains

When it rains, I don't mind being lonely
I cry right along with the sky
When it rains, I don't pretend to be happy
I don't even have to try
When it rains, some people get down to sportin' a frown
So I fit right in
Yeah, the sun may brighten your day but if I had my way, I'd take the rain

This chorus has been running in my head almost from the time I woke up this morning. I have a couple ideas about why, but don't really want to think about them. Maybe finding a happier song would be good...

45 Years Ago...

2008-11-22T07:56:00.001-07:00

On November 22, 1963, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy was assassinated. It's difficult to believe that 45 years have passed and in what a different world we presently live. The assassinations of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert Francis Kennedy five years after JFK was another shock to a nation in turmoil. I'm so glad I didn't live in the '60s; although, sometimes I wonder if these times will be viewed as just as turbulent.

I may be a historian, but the 1960s and the Cold War era are past my area of expertise. However, I do tend to be a conspiracy theorist about some things. The assassination of JFK is one area that fascinates me. With more than 2,000 books written on the subject and at least one new documentary released each year, the individuals involved and impact of the crime seem endless.

I won't go into the theories I've considered (and may accept as near truth). However, I will say that I find the entire Kennedy family intriguing and there's more there than meets the eye. Perhaps two lessons we can all learn from them are that the end does not justify the means and ambition at all costs will result in extreme pain and a life of loneliness.

I wonder how the world would be if JFK, MLK, and RFK were never assassinated. We'll never know, but they were three visionaries and leaders that shaped the world, their generation, and the generations after them.

Latest Lesson and Revelations

2008-11-19T22:14:00.005-07:00

So, I've been thinking about a couple situations in my life the past couple of weeks and how going through these latest lessons influence the way I think about my past. I apologize for being vague, there are still things being worked out.

I mentioned a while ago that an acquaintance wasn't respecting my boundaries. I had several friends make suggestions to me as to how I should proceed, all of which I welcomed by the way. I spent about a week trying to determine God's direction in this and then took a couple days to move in the direction I felt Him leading me. Totally not fun, but so valuable in the end!

For the last several years, I lived in a haze of self-doubt and second-guessing every decision regarding my friendships and God's leading in my life. I spent hours analyzing the most simple conversations and the potential motives of my friends. I was in jeopardy of running out of any church I walked into at the first opportunity. Whenever things got difficult, I ran away as fast as I could, as far as I could.

There have been times in the last two months when I thought of leaving the group I joined over the summer. It broke my heart to think of leaving, but things were getting too difficult (again) and I didn't believe that I correctly understood where God was leading me. There have been other issues at play regarding me leaving, and it felt like it was all coming to a breakingpoint. I was back to questioning Him in my life and ready to run.

Since the time I was in grad school (when I was in FPC), and cut all of my friends out of my life, I have distrusted God. To be honest, I had trust issues long before that, but something in my relationship with Him snapped during grad school. I opened the door for the lies and they immediately took up residence in my life, nearly killing me. Slowly, God has reclaimed those areas and brought me back to life. He's used this latest lesson as an opportunity to correct several things (or has started to correct).

Suddenly, I'm seeing how all of my trust issues are based on my relationships with people, not God. God has never abandonded me. He has never led me astray. I blamed Him for everything that happened in the college religious organization I joined. (I often refer this group as "the cult," something I suddenly feel led to stop doing-as I'm typing, we'll see how that goes). I felt like I couldn't trust Him or how I heard His leading in my life because I was in that group. I also felt as though I made unwise and poor decisions during that entire period of my life. In the end, I was so hurt by everything that happened and abandoned by those I loved, I let it break me to a point where I could no longer function.

He's slowly peeled away the layers and I'm seeing that He placed me there. There's no reason for me to not trust Him or my own decisions; I'm not inept and a stupid blonde-He placed me there and was by my side the whole time. I didn't make a bad choice by being there, it was where He called me to be. I was supposed to be there! I'm not sure why, but I know it was His will; I'm confident of it! (I know that's a lot of repition-I'm still shocked and excited about this revelation and keep repeating it different ways to try and fully grasp it. Sorry, moving on...)

I'm also confident that what happened the last ten months I was there happened because when He told me to leave, I refused and stayed. There were consequences for choosing my own path instead of His. However, His plan for me was to be with those people and have them be part of my life, for a time. I was just unwilling to follow anywhere He led me when He called me to move on. I couldn't understand how He wanted to me start over in the same city. (He got His way in the end, I started over several times in that city and have been so blessed by those friendships!)

To some of you, this may seem very simple and you may think that I should've realized this years ago. I think I got parts of it over the last couple of years, but it feels like the final piece of this puzzle is finally in place and I have complete peace about that time in my life. I'm no longer angry at God about it, I can fully trust Him. I feel as though a huge weight has lifted off me as I fully embrace this new perspective He's given me!

So, through this crazy, seemingly unrelated lesson, I'm learning to trust my relationship with God more and how/when He chooses to communicate to me through the Holy Spirit. Another blessing from this recent challenge has been that I know I can also trust my radar about certain people. I may be more sensitive than others, but there's nothing wrong with that. The individual who didn't respect my boundaries has shown me that he/she just isn't respectful, period. I don't need to be close friends with this person, I just need to pray for them and trust that God will bring someone into his/her life to help correct this behavior and attitude-it just isn't me.

Oh, and about leaving-I'm staying, until God calls me to move on to the next place. At least now I've learned how to move on while also allowing friends to remain in my life. I'm not very good at it, but I know I haven't shutdown and shut them out either. I'm still a work in progress, but aren't we all? =)

Happy Veterans Day!

2008-11-11T09:48:00.001-07:00

Today also marks the 90th anniversary of the armistice that ended World War I. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm often surprised at how little people know about World War I, or as it was called at the the time, "the Great War" and the "war to end all wars." Yeah, that didn't happen, but it was the most horrific battlefield ever witnessed in modern times (at the time).

I was shocked to learn that the armistice was planned for weeks and they waited to sign it because the powers that be thought it would be interesting to end the war on 11/11 at 11AM. Thousands of men died that morning in battle trying to take one more hill here and there, even though the armistice was a forgone conclusion. A couple hundred of them had been in France since the first battles of the war and managed to survive until dying on the last day.

World War I fascinates me, it bridges the gap between the Industrial Age (or Gilded Age) and more modern times with which we easily identify. Horses, airplanes, tanks, machine guns, and poisonous gases were all used in World War I. In fact, all but horses were new to warfare and caused a stalemate for four years. The new concept of trench warfare and No Man's Land covered in mines and barbed wire didn't help the stalemate much. The war wiped out an entire generation of men in Europe, which left them vulnerable twenty years later during World War II.

Alright, enough with the history lesson. I'm so pleased that Veterans Day falls on the end of World War I and I know this date was chosen to honor our vets for that very reason. They sacrifice more for our country than I will ever fully know!

The song in my head

2008-11-11T00:25:00.005-07:00

I love the internet and Google! I've had a portion of a song stuck in my head all day and was able to locate the lyrics on the internet; which of course means that now the whole thing is running through my head! So long as I sleep tonight, I'm fine with that. :-)

Take Me In

Take me past the outer courts
Into the Holy Place
Past the brazen alter
Lord, I want to see Your face
Pass me by the crowds of people
And the priests who sing Your praise
I hunger and thirst for Your righteousness
And it's only found one place

(Chorus)
Take me into the Holy of Holies
Take me in by the blood of the Lamb
Take me into the Holy of Holies
Take the coal, cleanse my lips, here I am

The first time I heard this song, I was 12 or 13, at church summer camp for a week. The camp wasn't a very good experience. As I recall, I cried most of the time because the youth pastor scared the tar out of me with what he preached on. However, I remember hearing this song for the first time there and I pretty much sang it quietly to myself all the way back on the bus from camp. We were in Taos and returning to Denver.

Yeah, I was that strange little kid who sang to herself (I always have). I even used to sing to myself walking around on campus in college. One person from the church I attended passed me regularly between classes. He said he always recognized me because I always appeared to be mumbling to myself (he didn't know my name for almost a year). One day he figured out it was because I constantly walked around quietly singing and then he regularaly asked what songs were on my heart that day.

I consider it blessing to be able to sing-such as my voice is. As my dad would say, "I can barely carry a tune in a bucket." He always referred to his own voice when he said it, not mine, but it applies to me too. When I was an infant, the doctors swore I wouldn't be able to sing, they weren't sure I'd ever talk, run, or play outside. They told my parents that I may never live a normal life due to my physical limitations-God is so much bigger than the limitations I was born with! I love singing and music has always communicated to my heart in a way mere words rarely do.

After middle school, I didn't hear this song again until college when I was going through some tough times. The Holy Spirit always brings it to my mind at interesting times and it always deeply speaks to me. It's like an old friend and I'm excited to see why it's back now!

Poor Posie

2008-11-09T23:11:00.006-07:00

Posie is half Siamese and half tabby cat. While she looks more like a tabby, I'm convinced her personality is more Siamese. She operates with all these rules that I'm left to figure out based solely on her behavior. At least she makes it interesting!

One of her rules is that I must personally tell her goodbye when I leave the house. If I don't, she gets very upset and walks around looking for me and meowing (my mom told me this a couple years ago). She makes sure to snub me when I do return home, if I haven't followed this rule. She also has a head-butting greeting ritual she insists we follow whenever I walk in the front door.

I was out running errands yesterday afternoon and then had plans for the evening. I thought I would have time between the two and be home for a while in the afternoon; however, the errands took longer than anticipated and I had to come home, change, and leave right away again. I made sure to properly greet Po when I got home and I properly told her goodbye again.

Apparently, following her rules wasn't suitable to Posie last night, she just wanted me home. When I did return home, she greeted me in her normal fashion. My mom instantly asked me why I didn't tell Po goodbye when I left. Then I heard that Po sat in the living room and meowed in the most pitiful kitty cry my mom had ever heard from the time I walked out the door until I returned, hours later. This strange behavior continued for the rest of the night whenever I was out of her sight.

As I write this, she's currently sleeping on my arms-yes on-as in across them. My hands are starting to fall asleep with an 11 pound cat on them. I'm pretty sure she thinks I belong to her.

She's just a little bit of a diva, don't you think? ;-) Poor Posie, she's had a rough weekend...

Dawg Pound

2008-11-07T11:19:00.003-07:00

My hometown team lost last night. :( One of these years the Browns will get their act together and make it to the Superbowl. It just won't be this year! Better luck at Buffalo!!!!

Just be glad you weren't sitting next to me when the football went straight through Winslow's hands in the final 1:10 of the game! Imagine flailing arms and me screaming at the tv. I know that image will make someone laugh today. :-D

Listening to...

2008-11-06T21:32:00.004-07:00

Fall
Performed by Clay Walker
Written by: Clay Mills, Sonny Lemaire, and Shane Minor
You can listen to it here.

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

(Chorus)
So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, baby, its okay

(Chorus)

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

(Chorus)

Yeah, I'm a sucker for country ballads. These lyrics also represent how God is always there for me, no matter what kind of day I'm having. :-)

The Perils of Long Hair

2008-11-06T10:50:00.005-07:00

There are all kinds of inside jokes between my college roommates and I about the length of my hair. These jokes have spread over the years to other friends as well-you know who you are! Most of them stem from a silly conversation one day in the dorms about engagements and marriage.

My hair is rather long right now. It has been longer in the past year, but it is still long. I go through shampoo and conditioner like there's no tomorrow. I've also been contemplating cutting my hair rather short again.

So, I was washing my hair this morning and thinking about something else in my life that God is giving me insight in to. Totally distracted from washing my hair. So distracted in fact that I paid no attention to the bottle I grabbed. I poured some of the contents into my hand and started rubbing it in to my hair. I realized there was no lather, but thought maybe I forgot to put anything in my hands. Yes, folks-I was that distracted. So, I reached for the bottle again, poured more into my hands, and realized there was still no lather. I was also a little confused as to why my hands were suddenly stuck and knots were forming in my hair. I pulled one hand out of my hair and grabbed the bottle I was pretty sure was my shampoo. Nope-conditioner! I had been putting conditioner straight into my hair; which for some reason was causing knots instead of removing them (probably due to having very fine hair). I figure my hair looks a little extra greasy today with all the extra conditioner now in it. :-)

I'm also left asking myself why I have long hair right now. In the last month I almost put body wash and shaving cream in my hair due to distraction-I caught myself in time for those. Those bottles also have completely different shapes, so that's a huge help.

To all those who know the inside jokes about the length of my hair from college-that is not why it's currently long! However, if you have any proof of that, I'd greatly appreciate that you share it with me! ;-)

Maybe it really is time for me to cut my hair or "chop it" as I say. At the very least, it needs to be trimmed, it's doing that annoying "V" thing in the back with all the layers again. But, I really wanted to wait until I was at my goal weight to cut it short again; I'm convinced the longer hair makes me look 5 pounds lighter. What girl doesn't appreciate that?

I welcome opinions-but don't promise to take any advice! Shocking, I know... :P

Grades

2008-11-04T22:29:00.007-07:00

I hate grades, they make me nervous and I never feel like I measure up. Perhaps this is partly because most of my friends growing up were always so much more intelligent and did better in school than I did. Oh, and I need to mention my brainiac brother! My friends were so competitive about grades and class standing that by the time I was a freshman in high school, my entire identity was wrapped up in my grades. This led to all kinds of hurt and self-doubt when I struggled with certain subjects. I still don't understand geometry, so I just buy extra fabric for sewing and quilting projects-saves on tears.

Even in college and graduate school, I was highly private about the scores I received on exams and papers. It would usually take me hours (sometimes days) to even look at the notes and score out of fear that I failed. You have no idea how exasperated my friends would get with me! Well, actually, you do if you took classes with me and experienced the drill of me stuffing graded materials into my backpack before I or anyone else could see the outcome. :-) I would rarely even share my answers and corrected tests with study partners and friends in college, I was so embarrassed by how I did. Yeah, I was that bad about it. I actually had a professor in grad school who would pull me aside and verbally tell me my grade after class because it drove him crazy that I wouldn't look right away.

All of that to say, I received two grades in two different classes today that I was especially dreading. I still have an essay waiting to be graded (in a third class) and I'm nervous about it. However, God has been so good in my grades this semester! Oh, did I mention that a "B-" is failing? Yeah, just a little bit of pressure to do well. Kinda rough on a student who usually pulls "B's."

On the exam I was anxious over, I was given a 96%-far better than I thought I would do! I also scored 10/10 on my short essay that I wrote Sunday night. I couldn't believe that I was given 100% on this essay, it was rushed and I felt like it didn't properly address the questions. I also postponed writing it to go to FUSE, something I was really unsure of doing, but felt God nudging me to do and trust Him with this paper.

I've really been struggling with all these papers and school work the last couple of weeks and how they fit in with where God wants me to be spending my time and how to balance everything. Slowly but surely, I feel like I'm starting to figure some things out and am trying to stop relying on my own strength to get through classes and trust Him with all of it instead.

All that to say-Woohoooo!! God is awesome and has blessed me with grades far better than I think I deserve. Only five more weeks left in the semester! Then, I'll be almost a third of the way through my program-unbelievable!!

Election

2008-11-04T22:09:00.002-07:00

What a historic day for our country! It's so exciting!!! Now, the healing begins...

Happy Halloween!!!

2008-10-31T11:37:00.014-06:00

Alright, so Halloween isn't my favorite holiday. It isn't so much the dressing up that I don't like, I just don't like an entire day where people go crazy and (sometimes) think that "anything goes." There are other reasons I don't like it, but I won't go into those.

I thought I'd post some of the funnier pictures from college where I dressed up. Not always for Halloween either. The "nunnery" (as we affectionately called the last house I lived in during college) was full of silly girls who loved to play dress-up. :-)

Hope you all enjoy this crazy holiday and these (embarrassing) pictures!

Blessings

2008-10-28T10:53:00.002-06:00

Last week I found out that my grandmother's cancer is back. She was diagnosed about a year ago with lung cancer and emphysema. At that time, she went through chemo and radiation-it went into remission. The doctors told her it would buy her about a year of time. A year later, here we are again with the cancer back in the same place. It hasn't spread (yet). Right now, she's chosen to do nothing. I get that it's her decision and she's lived her life; she'll be 78 later this year. The doctor said that she probably has about six months left if she does nothing.

The family has already started grieving and for me, it's bringing back a lot of memories about my dad's cancer. Planning for the holidays is taking on a whole new meaning this year. Including Thanksgiving, when my mom will be in Ohio with her family while I stay in Colorado (I have schoolwork to complete). That doesn't bother me, she needs to be there. I just need to find ways to spend the holiday in a positive way. I've thought of having my friends over, but many of them are visiting their own families. I guess I'll find out how God wants to use this time.

Next February will be ten years since my dad passed away. I don't know how those years have both flown by and passed achingly slow. I still miss him, almost every day. The hurt is different now than in those early years, but it is still there; I don't really expect it to ever go away. Since he passed away less than a month before my birthday, I haven't really celebrated my birthday since his death. I had a group of friends in college who worked really hard my senior year to give me a great birthday and they succeed. But, when left to my own devices, I just let it pass with little fanfare and still mourning my dad. I'm tired of letting the grief take over my life for upwards of a month. I want to do something fun and celebrate my birthday with friends this year! I also get that the grief this year will probably be bigger than the past couple of years, but I need to celebrate his life and stop focusing so much on my own loss.

Anyway, I was thinking about all this today as I'm struggling with an acquaintance who doesn't respect my boundaries. While absolutely frustrating, I'm thankful that I have this challenge. It means that I'm not living in my shell! I am actually making friends and letting people in, letting God crush some of the walls I have up to protect people from me. I know this situation will work itself out the way it's supposed to as long as I give it to God and stop trying to force a solution I want. Which requires that I be patient-not an easy thing for me. I get too that this is all tied into the study I'm doing and there's a certain level of spiritual warfare going on in me right now. Anytime I start to feel better about things, something like this usually happens and I derail-running back to my shell. I'm still tempted to do that, but I am fighting that urge because I've been there and know it isn't where I'm supposed to be.

The song Blessed Be Your Name was in my head most of yesterday morning and then I heard it on the radio. I almost pulled my car over, I was so overcome with emotion. I love how certain songs will just speak to me. I first heard the song when I was living in Bloomington. At that time, it was more about just trying to survive and thinking about God and my situation in a positive light. However, now the song is more about joy and the absolute peace and forgiveness I'm experiencing in Christ. I am so blessed, and He has blessed me in even in my darkest hours. Through the worst pain I've experienced in my life, I have been blessed! The lyrics are:

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

(Chorus)
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

(Chorus-repeat twice)

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

The Girls!

2008-10-23T15:21:00.007-06:00

I realized this morning that I haven't really posted about my girls- my two kitties. Their names are Isabelle “Izzy” and Posie “Po”. Izzy is the grey one, Posie is has the black and white stripes.

I got Izzy from a Denver shelter as a little kitten. I took one look at the tiny ball of fluff and had to take her home with me. Her little body was almost too small for all the fur on it, so for months she looked electrocuted because the fur stood on end! The shelter insisted she was 8 weeks, but she was probably no more than 4 or 5. I think she has a couple emotional issues from being taken away from her mom at such a young age. She carries around potholders (or soft fuzzy socks) and cries with them in her mouth. It's the most pitiful scene, but not much different than a kid with a security blanket sucking his or her thumb. Izzy has become a lap cat and is super sweet. She loves meeting new people and being in new places. Once she realizes we're somewhere new permanently, she gets upset, but for the first few days she's a happy little cat exploring away. She's also the princess of the two cats and plays the part for all it's worth to get her way. She'll sit and stare at you for you to play with her until you can't take it anymore. She also chatters at birds and bugs. Very entertaining-you always know when she's found some live creature to chase! Oh yeah, she also loves boxes and small spaces-of all kinds.

Posie is about a year younger than Izzy. I found Po in the newspaper and picked her out of her litter-mates when she was 10 weeks old. She's half Siamese and half Tabby, and built like a Tabby. I got her so she and Izzy would keep each other company while I was at work all day. As a kitten, Posie was a total lap cat and would fall asleep while being held (no longer the case). As she grew older though, she became skittish and solely my cat. She runs for the hills whenever the doorbell rings and won't come out for hours sometimes! I've finally learned to leave the door unlocked when I'm expecting friends and tell them to just come in. Posie is also very vocal-the Siamese in her. She chatters back at me when I tell her to get off the counters or out of drawers. Yes, she opens cabinet drawers and climbs in (usually after she manages to remove the contents). Very frustrating! She has all the rules that she prefers are followed for people to pet and visit with her. This is why we call her the Diva. She enjoys giving her friends head-butts from her throne (the kitty treehouse) when you return from being gone (for any length of time).

They get along alright, but aren't best friends. However, I know from experience that when I separate them, they get very upset and will meow until they're reunited. I learned this lesson while driving across the country with them in separate carriers. They're sooo much quieter when they're in one together. I have many stories about my cats! They've been with me in my darkest hours and a comfort and joy as life has slowly returned to normal. Oh, Posie also squeaks when held just right! I think that's enough for now-I'm off to get some schoolwork done!

NOGs and Grey's

2008-10-22T17:26:00.005-06:00

I get that you're probably sitting there asking, "What is/are NOGs?" Well, it stands for No Other Gods-an amazing Bible study by Kelly Minter. During last week's study, a lot of time was spent on how what I regularly watch, read, and listen to can (it usually does) counteract the Scriptures. I was immediately convicted of my obsession with everything Grey's Anatomy. I've even been known to schedule Bible study and dinner with friends around it. Perhaps shocking, but very true as those friends can attest. It has been my guilty pleasure since the first season, one I indulge at every possible opportunity.

The next question in the study is, "Without being legalistic, but simply being obedient, ask yourself: are you willing to let it go to pursue the truth?" To be honest, I paused for a minute or two before committing to let it go. But, I see that it has taken up more space in my life than it should and I am willing to back off and spend that time doing whatever God places in my life. A couple days later, a friend invited me to a hang out with people this week (during Grey's).

Last year (probably even last month), I would have just stayed home to watch the show or watched it the next day online. While online is still an option-I think the point God wants me to get is that it's just a show. A show that while I enjoy it, it should not control any aspect of my life. I shouldn't plan my weekly schedule around it, especially not my time with Him. I'm going to try really hard to not watch the episode online this week or read about it in blogs, or anywhere else. To just miss it and be ok with missing an episode.

The last couple of weeks haven't been easy for me. I feel like I just keep messing things up, and the old me would have gotten really down about it. Now, I see that making mistakes and confronting certain things in my life are progress and nothing to be ashamed of. It may take me longer than I would like to figure it out, but God is working and that's all that matters.

The Past

2008-10-14T12:11:00.002-06:00

My past is something I struggle with almost daily. I will still catch myself getting upset about things and reliving parts of it regularly, things that need to stop. God has healed much of the hurt from those painful experiences and choices I made; however, I don't forgive myself very easily.

I was struck by a passage in God Calling today. "Do not dwell upon the past. You make My Sacrifice of no effect. No! realize that in Me you have all, complete forgiveness, complete companionship, complete healing."

I'm so tired of partially living in my past and letting it negatively affect my present and future.

I was recently (unintentionally) hurt by a close friend. What I'm realizing is that it hurts so much because this thing managed to dig into a deep part of the remaining hurt from my years in the cult. Areas of pain this friend was unaware of. Some of those lies I was told over and over again have remained and stay somewhat hidden. Only when something like this event happens, do I become aware that the lies are still there and I still believe parts of them.

In an attempt to protect others from me (one of the lies was how emotionally dangerous I was), I don't let people get emotionally close to me. I keep them at a distance and then wonder why no one really knows me.

God is definitely at work here, at least I no longer feel like a worn battle ground. Instead, I see life returning and God's healing power. I just need to let Him keep working and stop dwelling on my past. He's forgiven me and is healing me. The present and future are far more important now.

Update

2008-10-08T10:55:00.005-06:00

I can't believe I'm in my sixth week of class! It feels like it just started yesterday and will never end. My classes are: Foundations of library and information science, Organization of information, and Information access and retrieval. They're all required courses and pretty boring. I can't wait until next semester when I get to take courses covering archival topics!

I've been doing pretty well, but many extended family members and friends have been dealing with illness and grief. So, its been a rough month emotionally, but only as it relates to those around me that I love.

So, I have a daily devotional book that I bought on the first anniversary of my dad's death. It's titled God Calling and was written by two women circa World War II and what they felt God communicating to them during their darkest hours and most encouraging days. The thought for today, October 8 is:

The Dark Places
Jesus, the very thought of Thee with Sweetness fills us.

Yes. Love Me until just to think of Me means Joy and rapture. Gladness at the thought of One very near and dear.

It is the balm for all sorrows, the thought of Me. Healing for all physical, mental, and spiritual ills you can always find in thinking of Me, and speaking to Me.

Are doubts and fears in your hearts? Then think of Me, speak to Me. Instead of those fears and doubts there will flow into your hearts and beings such sweet Joy as is beyond any joy of Earth.

This is unfailing. Never doubt it. Courage. Courage. Courage. Fear nothing. Rejoice even in the darkest places. Rejoice.

This thought strikes such a chord with me today and over the last weeks and months. I've been so emotional about all the sadness and illness, and grieving over leaving Fort Collins that I haven't been very joyful lately. I'm thankful that this time when God asked me to leave, my health is present and I can actually grieve over it without getting too wrapped up in the grief. This morning, I awoke feeling a burden lifted and ready to fully embrace being in Aurora and focusing on serving Him here. This passage spoke to me and reminded me that I'm not alone in this and all I have to do is turn to Him. I often forget that and try to do things on my own and be independent. When will I really learn that independence is not what He asks of me?

Russell, A.J. editor. God Calling. Barbour Publishing, Inc. Uhrichsville, Ohio, 1989.

Birth Order

2008-09-02T17:09:00.002-06:00

My classes towards a Masters in Library and Information Science start today. I'm attending classes through a distance program that is completely online. I'm rather stressed about going back to school, but will manage to make it through one way or another.

I've been reading about birth order and its affect on our personality traits from a Christian perspective. The book was published more than twenty years ago, so some things may be a little outdated. However, I still find it interesting. I found it while packing up the books in my mom's bookcase last week (during the packing for the carpet replacement).

This topic has always interested me, though I don't believe it fully explains everything about my personality, it does shed some interesting light on things I've questioned over the years. I've been struggling with my determination and self-reliance lately. I also noticed that I have been picking verbal fights with people for little or no reason recently as well.

The author suggests that first-borns (that's me!) are typically outgoing, controlling, conservative, and leaders. They are raised to be concerned with continuing the family's values and pushed to succeed. What I appreciate about her perspective is that there are worldly and Godly ways these traits differ from each other and she illustrates them with clear examples. I have always struggled with fully releasing all of my life to God and trusting Him with it. I seem to constantly scheme a way around what God has called me to do and get my own way in the situation. She points out that determination and self-reliance aren't bad, but when they're employed outside of God's plan they frequently have far-reaching negative consequences.

Returning to school is a perfect example of this. I resisted going back to school for another degree for more than a year. I realized in Indiana (2006) that I would need a MLIS to work as an archivist, but tried to find a way around it. God provided me with another job for a year in Fort Collins. It was good, but not the year I envisioned for myself when I knew I would get to return there. At the end of the year, school was the only option I had left.

I did everything I could to not be in Aurora. Growing up here holds many unpleasant (with some pleasant) memories and I have always disliked Aurora. After accepting that I needed to return to school and the best way was to move back to Aurora to save on the cost, I'm still scheming of ways to get out of here. Despite God showing me time and time again that this is where He wants me to be right now, I try to run away. Each time I think I'm done scheming, I find myself in another situation where I've tried to find a loophole in the situation that will get me out of Aurora (at least partially).

I'm trying really hard to cede control of this over to God. To let Him provide for me and heal all the past hurts that I've carried with me all these years. Eventually, God will win. I just want it to be sooner rather than later. I'm going to try to apply my determination to not find loopholes and accept where I am and follow where He leads me. We'll see how it goes! :-D

Olympics

2008-08-20T12:32:00.002-06:00

Every four (now two) years since I can remember, my family has watched Olympic events broadcasted on television. Never mind that we only watch one or two of these sports during non-Olympic years. When the Olympics are on, suddenly my family becomes fanatics about every sport competed!

I know there are still several days of competition left, but I'm over it. I have Olympic burnout! Enough coverage. I haven't even watched the online coverage and I'm done. I just can't absorb any more of it. I watched the swimming and gymnastics. The two sports I care most about during the Summer Games. They're over and I don't think I can handle all the Track and Field that remains, plus the team sports that are still going!

I'm so tired of watching sports that I don't even want to watch college football right now. The season starts in a couple weeks and I've been looking forward to it all spring and summer! And what is with all the Manning commercials for ESPN? Enough! I get it, they're the quarterback dynasty of the NFL. I can only hope my burnout doesn't extend into the college football season.

Rainy Days

2008-08-16T12:27:00.003-06:00

It's unseasonably cold and very rainy today. I feel like either curling up with my favorite blanket and reading a book or watching Anne of Green Gables countless times in succession while working on a craft project. I'm also craving homemade broccoli and cheese soup (very unusual for me). Maybe homemade chili will suffice... Off to decide if I'm going to work on a craft project or spend the day reading!

School!!!

2008-08-16T08:44:00.002-06:00

It's hard to believe that I'm going back to school in two weeks! My first text book arrived Wednesday and the second one should arrive soon. I'm amazed that I only needed to buy one book per class. I'm used to buying 13-15 per class! God continues to meet all my needs in the area of school! I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am.

DIY!

2008-08-13T16:42:00.000-06:00

My dad would be so proud of my mom and me! Boo managed to destroy the carpet over the last couple of years and we decided that it needs to be replaced as soon as possible.

In the course of an afternoon and evening, we removed all the carpet in the living/dining room and I removed all the tacking strips (for safety)! I used a flathead screwdriver and hammer to get the tacking out of the concrete subfloor.

Due to the damage Boo caused to the subfloor, we have to remove all the rest of the carpet ourselves as well. We need to seal the damage before new carpet is installed and the carpet installers won't deal with pet stains.

Guess how I'm spending the next couple of weekends?

Watching all those home DIY shows with my dad for years finally paid off! :)

Sunburns

2008-08-12T15:43:00.001-06:00

I have been sick every weekend for the last month and I finally figured out why. Apparently even the slightest sunburn causes my allergies to turn into a cold that could easily become a sinus infection. It's the most curious thing and very irritating; the more severe the burn, the more severe my cold. In all my years of having sunburns, I've never had a reaction like this before. I guess I need to stay out of the sun completely until the summer is over (and be better about applying sunscreen).

Grrrr-annoying allergies!!!

Movies

2008-08-05T18:08:00.000-06:00

So, anyone who knows me knows I love old movies from Hollywood's Golden Era. Turner Classic Movies is spending the entire month of August devoting one whole day to a single star. A couple days ago Claude Rains was the star. They showed Now Voyager; it's a fantastic movie also starring Bette Davis.

There's something about ugly duckling movies that has always appealed to me. Maybe it's because I see myself as an ugly duckling. I don't always fit into other people's idea of what I should be. This isn't bad, it just makes for a sometimes exciting but lonely existence. It also has taken me a while to figure out that it only bothers me as much as I let it bother me. However, I think I'm finally moving out of seeing myself as an ugly duckling and becoming the unique person I'm supposed to be.

That's enough deep thinking for a Friday afternoon! I'm so excited about seeing my friends from the Fort tomorrow and discussing the women's retreat for this fall with them!!!

Hey Hey Boo Boo!

2008-07-29T18:13:00.000-06:00

Today has been difficult. When my mom woke up, I learned that she decided it was time to put-down her dog Bandit "Boo." We've known for a while this time would come but I wasn't planning on it being today.

He was 13 years old and very loved. I'm still a little too shocked by it, but I know it was the right decision. Boo has suffered from dementia and incontinence for years, but it was still hard to say goodbye. He's served a special place in my family. He was the last pet we had as a family. My family has been blessed that all our pets have been passed on largely due to old age. They haven't died young or had serious lingering illnesses that drastically shortened their lives. Since Boo was the last of our pets to have ever known my dad, today is the passing of another era. Yet another step further away from my dad. I know these will continue to occur the rest of my life, but that doesn't make them any easier.

Boo hasn't been himself the last couple of months as the dementia took more and more control of his little puppy mind. My brother and I gave him the nickname "Boo" because he was Mindy's sidekick and the brains of the operation. Mindy was my brother's dog and she passed on years ago. They were quite the team, just like Yogi and Boo Boo.

Tonight all I want are comfort foods, a good cry (preferably one that doesn't result in a headache), and hugs from my family and friends.

Boo's favorite playmate was my brother. His favorite game was anything my brother invented and played with him for hours on end. When my brother wasn't available, the little stuffed frog "Kermie" was a great stand-in. He also loved to wash toes and had a fondness for cats. Cats were his size and great pals in his opinion. No matter how many cats have joined the household over the years, he always welcomed them as playmates. He also knew all his toys by name and would retrieve which ever one you told to him to get, quite an impressive feat!

My favorite activity with Boo was opening gifts. It was a game that he really only played with me. He would help me tear off the wrapping paper by pulling on the end I gave him. I will miss you, Bandit! You were a great puppy and member of our family!

Strange, but Wonderful

2008-07-29T09:43:00.000-06:00

It seems strange that I have a little more than one month left before starting classes in September. It also seems strange to be returning to school for yet another degree.

I have several friends with blogs and enjoy being able to keep up with their lives (to varying degrees) via this technology. I even started a blog a couple years ago on another site, but never really did much with it. While I'm a chatty person, posting my thoughts or things going on in my life online doesn't appeal to me. However, since my courses are all online, I need to get over that fear or I won't do well in school.

For the past four years or so, I've become very adept at keeping people at a distance. I was so hurt by my friends in college that I shut down emotionally and have just limped along through life since then. I have close friends who have managed to break down some of my walls, but as one observed a year ago, I've "learned my lessons too well." I know I still have many walls up, but several have fallen in the last year. The protected life I've been living is not how God created me to be.

I recently moved back to Aurora after a year in Fort Collins and was not happy about the move. I didn't understand why God would want me to be somewhere I so desperately desired to avoid. I still don't fully understand His reasons for having me here, but amazing things have been happening since I've stopped fighting Him on it. I've even moved past just accepting it and have started to embrace being here and making friends. It never ceases to amaze me that the Holy Spirit prepares my heart to hear what God has to say to me.

This past Sunday's sermon was on living out your life completely for God, to be consumed by Him. Being consumed by anything but myself has been a huge fear of mine in the last four years. I've tried my best (on and off) to live a balanced Christian life. After everything I've been through, that's all I could handle. But now? Now, I'm tired of life as I've been living it. It hasn't been nearly as fulfilling as I know living God's life for me can be. I want to be consumed by God; I know that things I've grown attached to will disappear, but in the end I will be so much closer to the woman He created me to be. Finally, that's all I want.

I think Aurora is becoming a place of healing for me instead of the place of pain it once was in my life. To quote a song I heard in middle school, "God's promises are rainbows in the night." I don't remember much else about the song, but that line has stayed with me all these years. It's so true because if nothing else, I've learned God is there for me in my darkest hour and turns it into a thing of beauty.

All of this to say, I'm finally coming out of my hiding place of the last four years. I'm going to let God knock down my walls. And I think a step of that is blogging, it's a way to let people in.