NOGs and Grey's

I get that you're probably sitting there asking, "What is/are NOGs?" Well, it stands for No Other Gods-an amazing Bible study by Kelly Minter. During last week's study, a lot of time was spent on how what I regularly watch, read, and listen to can (it usually does) counteract the Scriptures. I was immediately convicted of my obsession with everything Grey's Anatomy. I've even been known to schedule Bible study and dinner with friends around it. Perhaps shocking, but very true as those friends can attest. It has been my guilty pleasure since the first season, one I indulge at every possible opportunity.

The next question in the study is, "Without being legalistic, but simply being obedient, ask yourself: are you willing to let it go to pursue the truth?" To be honest, I paused for a minute or two before committing to let it go. But, I see that it has taken up more space in my life than it should and I am willing to back off and spend that time doing whatever God places in my life. A couple days later, a friend invited me to a hang out with people this week (during Grey's).

Last year (probably even last month), I would have just stayed home to watch the show or watched it the next day online. While online is still an option-I think the point God wants me to get is that it's just a show. A show that while I enjoy it, it should not control any aspect of my life. I shouldn't plan my weekly schedule around it, especially not my time with Him. I'm going to try really hard to not watch the episode online this week or read about it in blogs, or anywhere else. To just miss it and be ok with missing an episode.

The last couple of weeks haven't been easy for me. I feel like I just keep messing things up, and the old me would have gotten really down about it. Now, I see that making mistakes and confronting certain things in my life are progress and nothing to be ashamed of. It may take me longer than I would like to figure it out, but God is working and that's all that matters.

The Past

My past is something I struggle with almost daily. I will still catch myself getting upset about things and reliving parts of it regularly, things that need to stop. God has healed much of the hurt from those painful experiences and choices I made; however, I don't forgive myself very easily.

I was struck by a passage in God Calling today. "Do not dwell upon the past. You make My Sacrifice of no effect. No! realize that in Me you have all, complete forgiveness, complete companionship, complete healing."

I'm so tired of partially living in my past and letting it negatively affect my present and future.

I was recently (unintentionally) hurt by a close friend. What I'm realizing is that it hurts so much because this thing managed to dig into a deep part of the remaining hurt from my years in the cult. Areas of pain this friend was unaware of. Some of those lies I was told over and over again have remained and stay somewhat hidden. Only when something like this event happens, do I become aware that the lies are still there and I still believe parts of them.

In an attempt to protect others from me (one of the lies was how emotionally dangerous I was), I don't let people get emotionally close to me. I keep them at a distance and then wonder why no one really knows me.

God is definitely at work here, at least I no longer feel like a worn battle ground. Instead, I see life returning and God's healing power. I just need to let Him keep working and stop dwelling on my past. He's forgiven me and is healing me. The present and future are far more important now.

Update

I can't believe I'm in my sixth week of class! It feels like it just started yesterday and will never end. My classes are: Foundations of library and information science, Organization of information, and Information access and retrieval. They're all required courses and pretty boring. I can't wait until next semester when I get to take courses covering archival topics!

I've been doing pretty well, but many extended family members and friends have been dealing with illness and grief. So, its been a rough month emotionally, but only as it relates to those around me that I love.

So, I have a daily devotional book that I bought on the first anniversary of my dad's death. It's titled God Calling and was written by two women circa World War II and what they felt God communicating to them during their darkest hours and most encouraging days. The thought for today, October 8 is:

The Dark Places
Jesus, the very thought of Thee with Sweetness fills us.

Yes. Love Me until just to think of Me means Joy and rapture. Gladness at the thought of One very near and dear.

It is the balm for all sorrows, the thought of Me. Healing for all physical, mental, and spiritual ills you can always find in thinking of Me, and speaking to Me.

Are doubts and fears in your hearts? Then think of Me, speak to Me. Instead of those fears and doubts there will flow into your hearts and beings such sweet Joy as is beyond any joy of Earth.

This is unfailing. Never doubt it. Courage. Courage. Courage. Fear nothing. Rejoice even in the darkest places. Rejoice.

This thought strikes such a chord with me today and over the last weeks and months. I've been so emotional about all the sadness and illness, and grieving over leaving Fort Collins that I haven't been very joyful lately. I'm thankful that this time when God asked me to leave, my health is present and I can actually grieve over it without getting too wrapped up in the grief. This morning, I awoke feeling a burden lifted and ready to fully embrace being in Aurora and focusing on serving Him here. This passage spoke to me and reminded me that I'm not alone in this and all I have to do is turn to Him. I often forget that and try to do things on my own and be independent. When will I really learn that independence is not what He asks of me?

Russell, A.J. editor. God Calling. Barbour Publishing, Inc. Uhrichsville, Ohio, 1989.