Shifting Pieces

The last couple of weeks haven't been all that great; they haven't been all that bad either. I feel like I'm drifting in a fog and I'm not sure from where the fog came or how I got caught in it. My life suddenly seems to be upside-down, only it isn't. I'm pretty sure this makes no sense to anyone, it doesn't really make any sense to me either-hence the fog.

I feel like Doris Day's character at the beginning of Midnight Lace, when she gets caught out in the bad London fog and someone tries to kill her. I identify with the panic the character experiences; the confusion about being lost and not having any bearings.

Recently, some pieces of my life haven fallen into place. The new pieces fitting have shifted others out. I know God is rearranging things for the better, but I'm feeling rather lost in the process. I know it's a hard process, it doesn't make it any easier though. I'm trying to trust Him more, but that's easier said than done.

Recently, a friend said I've been "off" lately. He/she didn't know what was really going on and I can't really explain it. I was a little sad at first that they realized I haven't been doing so well, but then was excited that they even cared to notice and mention it to me! This friend didn't accept the cheap shallow answers I tend to peddle to people. He/she saw beyond my front and pushed to dig deeper into my life. I need friends like this! I have so few of them, they're so precious to me. Most people are willing to remain outside my walls. There's nothing wrong with that, it's natural. But, I really appreciate friends who take the time and effort to get to know me and dig around in my life. It also meant a lot that he/she noticed and said something without me having to explain myself. I constantly explain myself to others-a habit I picked up years ago when I realized most people don't understand me or have no desire to understand me.

In the vein of being honest about things, this weekend has been a rather dismal for me. I was excited about the snow, but spent much of the time either on the verge of crying or ready to fly into a rage. Honestly, one of the highlights was remembering that I actually do have close friends who care deeply for me and consistently point me back to God, no matter what is going on in my life (or theirs).

I believe God likes my life messy, it means He's in there moving things to where they belong. I was lamenting earlier to a friend how much simpler life was a couple years ago. Granted, I had little to no desire to be alive and couldn't handle having friends in my life. But, there was a peacefulness then that has since disappeared. I know it was peaceful because I was largely comatose, the opposite of what God called me to do-live. Still, there are times that I miss that peacefulness. This weekend has been one of this nostalgic times for me. Strange, that I get nostalgic about lies-but that's where I've been lately.

A friend offered his/her complete support during this difficult time in the fog, for as long as God has me enveloped in it. I needed to hear that this evening, I needed to be reminded that God has me right where He wants me and He's with me. God should be my focus, not the fog-I'm so easily distracted. When will I learn?

When It Rains...

Eli Young Band
When it Rains

When it rains, I don't mind being lonely
I cry right along with the sky
When it rains, I don't pretend to be happy
I don't even have to try
When it rains, some people get down to sportin' a frown
So I fit right in
Yeah, the sun may brighten your day but if I had my way, I'd take the rain



This chorus has been running in my head almost from the time I woke up this morning. I have a couple ideas about why, but don't really want to think about them. Maybe finding a happier song would be good...

45 Years Ago...

On November 22, 1963, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy was assassinated. It's difficult to believe that 45 years have passed and in what a different world we presently live. The assassinations of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert Francis Kennedy five years after JFK was another shock to a nation in turmoil. I'm so glad I didn't live in the '60s; although, sometimes I wonder if these times will be viewed as just as turbulent.

I may be a historian, but the 1960s and the Cold War era are past my area of expertise. However, I do tend to be a conspiracy theorist about some things. The assassination of JFK is one area that fascinates me. With more than 2,000 books written on the subject and at least one new documentary released each year, the individuals involved and impact of the crime seem endless.

I won't go into the theories I've considered (and may accept as near truth). However, I will say that I find the entire Kennedy family intriguing and there's more there than meets the eye. Perhaps two lessons we can all learn from them are that the end does not justify the means and ambition at all costs will result in extreme pain and a life of loneliness.

I wonder how the world would be if JFK, MLK, and RFK were never assassinated. We'll never know, but they were three visionaries and leaders that shaped the world, their generation, and the generations after them.