Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Birth Order

My classes towards a Masters in Library and Information Science start today. I'm attending classes through a distance program that is completely online. I'm rather stressed about going back to school, but will manage to make it through one way or another.

I've been reading about birth order and its affect on our personality traits from a Christian perspective. The book was published more than twenty years ago, so some things may be a little outdated. However, I still find it interesting. I found it while packing up the books in my mom's bookcase last week (during the packing for the carpet replacement).

This topic has always interested me, though I don't believe it fully explains everything about my personality, it does shed some interesting light on things I've questioned over the years. I've been struggling with my determination and self-reliance lately. I also noticed that I have been picking verbal fights with people for little or no reason recently as well.

The author suggests that first-borns (that's me!) are typically outgoing, controlling, conservative, and leaders. They are raised to be concerned with continuing the family's values and pushed to succeed. What I appreciate about her perspective is that there are worldly and Godly ways these traits differ from each other and she illustrates them with clear examples. I have always struggled with fully releasing all of my life to God and trusting Him with it. I seem to constantly scheme a way around what God has called me to do and get my own way in the situation. She points out that determination and self-reliance aren't bad, but when they're employed outside of God's plan they frequently have far-reaching negative consequences.

Returning to school is a perfect example of this. I resisted going back to school for another degree for more than a year. I realized in Indiana (2006) that I would need a MLIS to work as an archivist, but tried to find a way around it. God provided me with another job for a year in Fort Collins. It was good, but not the year I envisioned for myself when I knew I would get to return there. At the end of the year, school was the only option I had left.

I did everything I could to not be in Aurora. Growing up here holds many unpleasant (with some pleasant) memories and I have always disliked Aurora. After accepting that I needed to return to school and the best way was to move back to Aurora to save on the cost, I'm still scheming of ways to get out of here. Despite God showing me time and time again that this is where He wants me to be right now, I try to run away. Each time I think I'm done scheming, I find myself in another situation where I've tried to find a loophole in the situation that will get me out of Aurora (at least partially).

I'm trying really hard to cede control of this over to God. To let Him provide for me and heal all the past hurts that I've carried with me all these years. Eventually, God will win. I just want it to be sooner rather than later. I'm going to try to apply my determination to not find loopholes and accept where I am and follow where He leads me. We'll see how it goes! :-D