Trusting Pain

The last several weeks have been pretty emotionally taxing for me. I feel God working in my life and pushing me to move outside my comfy boundaries in some areas. I have shed countless tears and had several restless nights of sleep. I so badly want to write about a couple specific things going on, but know that now is not the time and it may never be appropriate to share those experiences in this format. I've had some difficult conversations lately, but in the end know I obeyed God and have sought to repair and restore the relationships involved. Coping with the pain of one particular relationship has been very challenging and brought many of the old lies to the forefront of my mind and life.

On top of the personal relationship issues going on, I've also started to stress out about this semester, a summer internship, summer classes, taking the certified archivist exam, fall semester, taking comps, and graduating; all of which are supposed to occur by the middle of December. Then, I need to find employment-which kicks the stress up to a whole new level! I've been overwhelmed and my mind quickly spins out of control worrying and thinking about these things. These times are when I wish I didn't have an overactive imagination!

I was reading in God Calling again this morning and this passage from a couple days ago caught my eye:

March 26
Follow Your Guide

I am with you to guide you and help you. Unseen forces are controlling your destiny. Your petty fears are groundless.

What of a man walking through a glorious glade who fretted because ahead there lay a river and he might not be able to cross it, when all the time, that river was spanned by a bridge? And what if that man had a friend who knew the way - had planned it - and assured him that at no part of the journey would any unforeseen contingency arise, and that all was well?

So, leave your foolish fears, and follow Me, you Guide, and determinedly refuse to consider the problems of tomorrow. My message to you is, trust and wait.

Trust. Typically, my eyes quickly shift to the floor and I emotionally hide when I hear that word. I've had a couple conversations with people lately about trust. It's a huge issue in my life, one that repeatedly comes up. I don't easily trust anyone, including God. I think I'm getting a little better about trusting Him, but trusting others remains an overwhelming challenge.

There have been situations in the last year where I thought I trusted someone. In fact, if you'd asked me, I would've said that I trust specific people in my life. Yet, my actions and reactions to situations reveal quite the opposite; which grieves me. There seem to be several things that trigger what I perceive to be trust to almost instantly erode in my friendships and when the crisis passes, it returns. Not a good thing to happen and it means that it isn't real trust.

I've seen this reaction occur a couple times in the last year (to varying degrees) and only one person has called me on it, though others have echoed similar concerns when I inquire. I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to trust others and for that trust to be deep and strong, not fleeting and fragile. Right now, I don't know how to get there. I do know that I can trust God and need to do so while I wait for His guidance. So, that's what I'm going to do, though I know it won't be easy... I guess trusting others will only start to occur once I learn to trust Him.

Mr. Bean -Library

Thought I'd share this video with you. I'm slightly horrified by the antics, but it's still funny. It was actually assigned by one of my professors for class this week. Hope you enjoy it! :-)

Smiles Are Good

This week has been one for the record books. I needed something that would make me laugh and then this came on the radio. It didn't quite make me laugh, but at least I smiled!

I'm Still a Guy
Brad Paisley

When you see a deer you see Bambi
And I see antlers up on the wall.
When you see a lake you think picnics
And I see a large mouth up under that log.

You're probably thinkin' that you're gonna change me.
In some ways well maybe you might.
Scrub me down, dress me up,
Oh but no matter what remember I'm still a guy.

When you see a priceless French painting
And I see a drunk naked girl.
You think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy
And I'd like to give it a whirl.

Well love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of
And in weak moment I might walk your sissy dog,
Hold your purse at the mall but remember I'm still a guy.

I'll pour out my heart, hold your hand in the car,
Write a love song that makes you cry.
Then turn right around knock some jerk to the ground
'Cause he copped feel as you walk by.

I can hear you now talkin' to your friends sayin',
"Yeah girls he's come a long way from draggin' his knuckles
And carryin' a club and buildin' a fire in a cave."
But when you say a back rub means only a back rub
Then you swat my hand when I try.
Well now what can I say at the end of the day,
"Honey, I'm still a guy."

And I'll pour out my heart, hold your hand in the car,
Write a love song that makes you cry.
Then turn right around knock some jerk to the ground
'Cause he copped feel as you walk by.

These days there's dudes gettin' facials,
Manicured, waxed and botoxed.
With deep spray-on tans
And creamy lotiony hands you can't grip a tackle box.

Yeah, with all of these men linein' up to get neutered
It's hip now to be feminized.
I don't highlight my hair, I've still got a pair.
Yeah, honey I'm still a guy.

Oh my eyebrows ain't plucked
There's a gun in my truck.
Oh thank god, I'm still a guy.

How Many Years?

My family moved to Colorado in March of 1992; which means that as of a couple days ago, I have lived here for 16 years!! I always tell people I was 12 when we moved, but technically I was 11. If you think my math is wrong, I spent a year in Indiana after graduate school.

I remember being angry with my parents and devastated that we moved less than two weeks before my birthday. I couldn't understand why waiting two weeks wasn't possible. They did everything they could to make it up to me, but truth be told, I didn't let them off the hook for years. Once I started to make friends here, I was less upset about it and embraced being a "transplant." Unfortunately, that took two years to happen. Yeah, I have a temper and know how to hold a grudge. I'm Irish; what do you expect?

It still seems odd to me that I've spent more of my life here than in Ohio and yet so much about Ohio still defines me. I think I'll always be partly Midwestern in my heart, though I have fully embraced the spirit of the West.

It's crazy to think that this time next year, it is likely that I'll be living in another state. A far-fetched idea is that I could be living in another country. Totally possible, but not very probable. I have no idea where God will call me to move; I could remain in Colorado for all I know. But I feel like I'm being prepared for some grand adventure, the likes of which I haven't yet experienced. I'm excited to see where He takes me and what He has planned for me there! For now, I'm going to enjoy being here and am so thankful that my parents followed when He called them to Colorado 17 years ago!! Living here has been one of the biggest blessings of my life!