Trusting Pain

The last several weeks have been pretty emotionally taxing for me. I feel God working in my life and pushing me to move outside my comfy boundaries in some areas. I have shed countless tears and had several restless nights of sleep. I so badly want to write about a couple specific things going on, but know that now is not the time and it may never be appropriate to share those experiences in this format. I've had some difficult conversations lately, but in the end know I obeyed God and have sought to repair and restore the relationships involved. Coping with the pain of one particular relationship has been very challenging and brought many of the old lies to the forefront of my mind and life.

On top of the personal relationship issues going on, I've also started to stress out about this semester, a summer internship, summer classes, taking the certified archivist exam, fall semester, taking comps, and graduating; all of which are supposed to occur by the middle of December. Then, I need to find employment-which kicks the stress up to a whole new level! I've been overwhelmed and my mind quickly spins out of control worrying and thinking about these things. These times are when I wish I didn't have an overactive imagination!

I was reading in God Calling again this morning and this passage from a couple days ago caught my eye:

March 26
Follow Your Guide

I am with you to guide you and help you. Unseen forces are controlling your destiny. Your petty fears are groundless.

What of a man walking through a glorious glade who fretted because ahead there lay a river and he might not be able to cross it, when all the time, that river was spanned by a bridge? And what if that man had a friend who knew the way - had planned it - and assured him that at no part of the journey would any unforeseen contingency arise, and that all was well?

So, leave your foolish fears, and follow Me, you Guide, and determinedly refuse to consider the problems of tomorrow. My message to you is, trust and wait.

Trust. Typically, my eyes quickly shift to the floor and I emotionally hide when I hear that word. I've had a couple conversations with people lately about trust. It's a huge issue in my life, one that repeatedly comes up. I don't easily trust anyone, including God. I think I'm getting a little better about trusting Him, but trusting others remains an overwhelming challenge.

There have been situations in the last year where I thought I trusted someone. In fact, if you'd asked me, I would've said that I trust specific people in my life. Yet, my actions and reactions to situations reveal quite the opposite; which grieves me. There seem to be several things that trigger what I perceive to be trust to almost instantly erode in my friendships and when the crisis passes, it returns. Not a good thing to happen and it means that it isn't real trust.

I've seen this reaction occur a couple times in the last year (to varying degrees) and only one person has called me on it, though others have echoed similar concerns when I inquire. I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to trust others and for that trust to be deep and strong, not fleeting and fragile. Right now, I don't know how to get there. I do know that I can trust God and need to do so while I wait for His guidance. So, that's what I'm going to do, though I know it won't be easy... I guess trusting others will only start to occur once I learn to trust Him.