Dating

Lately, I've had a several conversations with people about dating. I blame Fuse's next study on the Song of Solomon for this. ;-) When people ask about my dating status or whether I date, I usually give this vague and simple explanation, "I'm single and don't currently date because God's made it clear that's not His plan for me right now." While true, it doesn't fully explain what God has revealed to me about this area of my life. A friend got me thinking about this last night.

It's no secret that I was involved with a church during college that rejected the concept of dating. From the pulpit (or stage in their case), they preached the gospel of courtship according to Joshua Harris and others in his ideological camp. The concept of "guarding your heart" was openly discussed, wildly embraced, and frequently (at least on my small group) applied to people's lives in extreme ways. Many people I knew failed at this, including me-with sometimes disastrous results. It isn't a bad concept, I just saw and experienced it applied legalistically; not a good thing. Random comment: I don't want to hear about the nature of our hearts/relationships in comparison to tape ever again! I know that's a lot to ask and probably isn't possible-but it makes me cringe.

I attended a (women's) prayer meeting in college where a girl revealed she was no longer talking to God because she wanted to be married to a guy in the church, only he wasn't (openly) pursuing her. She was angry at God because she wasn't getting her way-she was convinced this was the man she was supposed to marry. (This type of thing happened somewhat regularly in the church, it just wasn't often revealed in larger prayer meetings.) It was honest and brave of her to confess where she was with God, but she was letting a man interfere with that relationship, not wise. Less than a month later, the girl was engaged to said guy, they went on their first date, and got married six months later-in that order. This became fairly common in the last year (or two) that I was part of that church. To be clear, I found this practice rather disturbing. What got to me was that couples like the one in this story were held up as good examples to follow, as they guarded their hearts prior to being engaged. Huh? I think I have mental whiplash from that logic.

As I saw (and experienced)-having been in one official and several unofficial (or as my friend calls them-fake) dating relationships-people who managed to get engaged prior to officially courting or dating failed to guard their hearts. To be willing to commit and marry someone without ever having officially or openly spent one-on-one time with them, getting to really know them with a shared understanding of the relationship's purpose, and growing closer together as you grow closer to God means their hearts were wrapped up with each other somewhere along the road without the verbal commitment. That's dangerous, no matter how you look at it. While things worked out well for the above couple, that wasn't always the case. *slowly steps off the soapbox*

So, back to my original topic... It would be really simple for me to explain my own not dating stance by blaming it on the guy who assaulted me. I did that for years, it's too simple and no longer true for my life. I also used to explain that I was too damaged or messed up to ever be in a relationship; I don't believe that anymore either. In the past couple of years, several people (mostly guys) were patient with me as I relearned how to communicate and trust others-usually by chatting with them online. Hiding behind a computer screen works well for me. (What filter?) ;-) I never met most of those people, but I did meet some; others were "old" friends. The trick has been taking what I've learned and applying it to real life. I'm not so great at that part of it-more patience has been required during this process. I think it's slowly getting there though.

Last year, I was lamenting to God about not having a boyfriend and how lonely I was. I found ways to correct that on my own, but eventually gave them up as I realized that wasn't God's plan for me. It was a tough year, I slowly returned to God, and experienced much loneliness throughout that process. I wanted several deep and close friendships; I had one. Most others remained on the surface for a variety of reasons. I was driving to work one morning when it struck me: I can't be in a dating relationship with a man until I know how to truly and wholeheartedly love and serve God; I needed to date God! This actually applies to all of my relationships, but at the time it was specific to men.

My relationship with Him needs to be grounded, strong, and successful before a man can enter into the picture. So, I'm letting Him pursue me; it's why I finally stopped running. I'm not doing this so that I'll eventually be married, but rather that this is what God wants from me. Regardless of what His plans are for my future, I want to know Him at a more intimate level.

I heard and applied this to my life in college, but utterly failed when it mattered most and I ultimately placed my small group and friendships above God. This time around has been different. There's a new perspective on it for me. I've made some mistakes along the way over the last year. "Austin" is the first that comes to mind. I don't always spend as much time with God as I'd like to. However, I don't beat myself up over it and I'm content with where things are right now, confident that He is guiding and leading me. There are still times I struggle with being single, but a peace remains throughout the struggle that has never been there before.

I also routinely ask for God to guard my heart. Yeah, who thought I would ever pray that for my life again? Not me! I think my perspective on this concept is more balanced now. It doesn't mean exactly the same thing to me that I was taught in college.

Am I opposed to dating? No, I just know that right now God wants me to focus solely on Him. If it's His will for me to enter into a dating relationship, He'll shift me in that direction in His own time and for the proper man. Do I want to be in a relationship that someday leads to marriage? Yes, but that is no longer my life's singular goal. Are there times when I wish someone was there to hug and hold me, to comfort me? Yes, that's when I seek God and sometimes spend time with the incredible women He has placed in my life. God has revealed that dating is not part of His immediate plan for me. Right now, He just wants me for Himself.

My family jokes that God will have to drop a man out of the sky and onto my car for me to notice him. I should sell my old car soon-what if He puts him on the wrong one?! ;-D It's not that I don't notice men, I do. I just don't notice if they notice me, which works pretty well. It isn't foolproof and there have been some negative interactions as a result of this approach; however, it's better than me looking for the signs of interest and getting all giddy over nothing. Yeah, I'm a mushy girlie-girl, I hope someday someone will embrace that about me; for now, God protects it.

I'll take more notice of a man and date when God makes it clear that is His plan and the man openly pursues me (no more fake dating!); or drops out of the sky onto my car... It's a white... ;-)