Blessings

Last week I found out that my grandmother's cancer is back. She was diagnosed about a year ago with lung cancer and emphysema. At that time, she went through chemo and radiation-it went into remission. The doctors told her it would buy her about a year of time. A year later, here we are again with the cancer back in the same place. It hasn't spread (yet). Right now, she's chosen to do nothing. I get that it's her decision and she's lived her life; she'll be 78 later this year. The doctor said that she probably has about six months left if she does nothing.

The family has already started grieving and for me, it's bringing back a lot of memories about my dad's cancer. Planning for the holidays is taking on a whole new meaning this year. Including Thanksgiving, when my mom will be in Ohio with her family while I stay in Colorado (I have schoolwork to complete). That doesn't bother me, she needs to be there. I just need to find ways to spend the holiday in a positive way. I've thought of having my friends over, but many of them are visiting their own families. I guess I'll find out how God wants to use this time.

Next February will be ten years since my dad passed away. I don't know how those years have both flown by and passed achingly slow. I still miss him, almost every day. The hurt is different now than in those early years, but it is still there; I don't really expect it to ever go away. Since he passed away less than a month before my birthday, I haven't really celebrated my birthday since his death. I had a group of friends in college who worked really hard my senior year to give me a great birthday and they succeed. But, when left to my own devices, I just let it pass with little fanfare and still mourning my dad. I'm tired of letting the grief take over my life for upwards of a month. I want to do something fun and celebrate my birthday with friends this year! I also get that the grief this year will probably be bigger than the past couple of years, but I need to celebrate his life and stop focusing so much on my own loss.

Anyway, I was thinking about all this today as I'm struggling with an acquaintance who doesn't respect my boundaries. While absolutely frustrating, I'm thankful that I have this challenge. It means that I'm not living in my shell! I am actually making friends and letting people in, letting God crush some of the walls I have up to protect people from me. I know this situation will work itself out the way it's supposed to as long as I give it to God and stop trying to force a solution I want. Which requires that I be patient-not an easy thing for me. I get too that this is all tied into the study I'm doing and there's a certain level of spiritual warfare going on in me right now. Anytime I start to feel better about things, something like this usually happens and I derail-running back to my shell. I'm still tempted to do that, but I am fighting that urge because I've been there and know it isn't where I'm supposed to be.

The song Blessed Be Your Name was in my head most of yesterday morning and then I heard it on the radio. I almost pulled my car over, I was so overcome with emotion. I love how certain songs will just speak to me. I first heard the song when I was living in Bloomington. At that time, it was more about just trying to survive and thinking about God and my situation in a positive light. However, now the song is more about joy and the absolute peace and forgiveness I'm experiencing in Christ. I am so blessed, and He has blessed me in even in my darkest hours. Through the worst pain I've experienced in my life, I have been blessed! The lyrics are:

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

(Chorus)
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

(Chorus-repeat twice)

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name