Drinking walls

From time to time, different parts of Aurora trigger my memory. I realize that I learned to drive here and should have a better grasp of how the streets are connected and the various ways to get places. However, I just don't seem capable of figuring it out (I also don't try very hard). Recognizing everything based on physical landmarks instead of street names probably doesn't help. :) Most of my points of reference are 10 years old, another hindrance.

High school has been on my mind a lot lately. I was on my way to a friend's house the other day when I realized that if I turned left onto a certain street, it would go to my high school boyfriend's house. I don't know the name of the street, I just recognized the entrance into the subdivision. Difficult to believe that I spent as much time there as I did and now I barely remember where it was or how to get there. I rarely have that problem with my friends from Mission, but that's because we routinely caused trouble there; of course, living there probably helped too! ;)

I've been rather nostalgic lately. Particularly about the men who have been part of my life. Only one guy qualifies as an official "ex" but there have been several male friends and family members who greatly altered my life, both positively and negatively. I've been reminiscing about those relationships and the person I've been over that time span.

I was out the other night, celebrating a friend's milestone! After a lovely dinner, some of us went to get a drink. We wound up at what I consider to be a bar/club. Not my type of place; I'm more into quite pubs and shooting some pool, a more relaxed environment. I don't like the feeling of being in a meat-market. I haven't been to a place like the one we went to since grad school. It usually took 3-4 drinks to get me to loosen up enough to leave whatever seat I parked myself in. I also never met guys at places like that, I was there to have fun with the friends I arrived with. Oh, the stories from those days; the S&THC at it's best! ;)

In grad school, I spent a year drinking several evenings a week with friends. Later, I realized that I was drinking to avoid the emotional pain of grieving. At the time though, I enjoyed the numbness and it was the only way I knew how to cope with the overwhelming grief of losing almost every friend I'd made in four years. I know how devastating those choices were for me, but sometimes the idea of running away (even just for a couple hours) really appeals to me. Which is probably why my close friends seem to get a little concerned when I mention that I want to get drunk (like the other night). However, I was DD-no drinking for me!

All of this to say, someone asked me if I was alright with what went on at the bar. I am, I had fun; it was interesting to see people in a different setting and things didn't get too out of control. I was in full protective mode and the guys with us were awesome and made me feel so safe in that situation. Yet, the whole thing made me realize just how thick my wall is. Part of that was the environment, but most of it was me not trusting people (or myself). The guys who were with us don't know my story; they have no idea why I backed up a foot or more when they tried to dance with me. They were unaware that the idea of them touching me, even just my arm had me on full alert.

I'd love to blame it all on the environment, but I know that's not true. I really noticed it several months ago with how I reacted towards friends who have always been completely respectful to me. Its taken me years to just be me around girl friends again. After being a hermit and completely gun-shy of men, I finally talk to guys (at least); however, one of them touching me still sends me into a mild panic. Sometimes I think I will be standoffish the rest of my life, which breaks my heart a little.

I keep hearing, "You learned your lesson too well." Yet, I'm not sure how to correct the path on this one. I want to find a comfortable balance and actually be me, no matter whether I'm with men or women. To be completely honest (this is a little embarrassing to admit), I've been waiting for my own Prince Phillip to slay the dragon, scale the walls, and wake me up to actually live my life. Yeah, I'm a dreamer (and love Disney fairytales). I know that I can't rely on a guy to fix my issues, only God can heal what's still broken in me.

I miss my friends from college, I miss the person I was to those friends. Many of those friendships had a painful ending, but those people knew me well and for that period they were dear to me. Those people knew me as someone comfortable giving and receiving hugs. A person who had no problem sitting on a couch next to them and putting my head on their shoulder. Someone who felt safe falling asleep in their presence. The woman who crammed into a pillow fort on the living room floor with 10 friends. A person who actually turned to friends in times of distress for support, whether it was during grief or suspenseful movie scenes. I trusted them with my dreams and failures.

How do I get back to that level of trust and openness with people again? God has taken down so many of my walls. Yet, it seems like each time one tumbles to the dirt, a new one is revealed. It was previously unseen (or ignored), but now becomes the primary mode of protection. Will it ever end? Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be completely healed. What needs to happen so that I am?

If this post feels rather disjointed, I suppose it is. However, it makes sense to me. I see the path from the girl I was in high school to the young woman I became in college and the woman I am now. The relationships that I let destroy me were overwhelmingly with men-family and friends. There were plenty of female friends and family members who hurt me as well, but that pain healed relatively quickly. God has laid on my heart something that I need to do to reopen the lines of communication with one of those men. I'm scared to death that he'll just crush me again, it really wouldn't take much. Yet, I know I need to obey and do as God has asked...