Grades

I hate grades, they make me nervous and I never feel like I measure up. Perhaps this is partly because most of my friends growing up were always so much more intelligent and did better in school than I did. Oh, and I need to mention my brainiac brother! My friends were so competitive about grades and class standing that by the time I was a freshman in high school, my entire identity was wrapped up in my grades. This led to all kinds of hurt and self-doubt when I struggled with certain subjects. I still don't understand geometry, so I just buy extra fabric for sewing and quilting projects-saves on tears.

Even in college and graduate school, I was highly private about the scores I received on exams and papers. It would usually take me hours (sometimes days) to even look at the notes and score out of fear that I failed. You have no idea how exasperated my friends would get with me! Well, actually, you do if you took classes with me and experienced the drill of me stuffing graded materials into my backpack before I or anyone else could see the outcome. :-) I would rarely even share my answers and corrected tests with study partners and friends in college, I was so embarrassed by how I did. Yeah, I was that bad about it. I actually had a professor in grad school who would pull me aside and verbally tell me my grade after class because it drove him crazy that I wouldn't look right away.

All of that to say, I received two grades in two different classes today that I was especially dreading. I still have an essay waiting to be graded (in a third class) and I'm nervous about it. However, God has been so good in my grades this semester! Oh, did I mention that a "B-" is failing? Yeah, just a little bit of pressure to do well. Kinda rough on a student who usually pulls "B's."

On the exam I was anxious over, I was given a 96%-far better than I thought I would do! I also scored 10/10 on my short essay that I wrote Sunday night. I couldn't believe that I was given 100% on this essay, it was rushed and I felt like it didn't properly address the questions. I also postponed writing it to go to FUSE, something I was really unsure of doing, but felt God nudging me to do and trust Him with this paper.

I've really been struggling with all these papers and school work the last couple of weeks and how they fit in with where God wants me to be spending my time and how to balance everything. Slowly but surely, I feel like I'm starting to figure some things out and am trying to stop relying on my own strength to get through classes and trust Him with all of it instead.

All that to say-Woohoooo!! God is awesome and has blessed me with grades far better than I think I deserve. Only five more weeks left in the semester! Then, I'll be almost a third of the way through my program-unbelievable!!