Latest Lesson and Revelations

So, I've been thinking about a couple situations in my life the past couple of weeks and how going through these latest lessons influence the way I think about my past. I apologize for being vague, there are still things being worked out.

I mentioned a while ago that an acquaintance wasn't respecting my boundaries. I had several friends make suggestions to me as to how I should proceed, all of which I welcomed by the way. I spent about a week trying to determine God's direction in this and then took a couple days to move in the direction I felt Him leading me. Totally not fun, but so valuable in the end!

For the last several years, I lived in a haze of self-doubt and second-guessing every decision regarding my friendships and God's leading in my life. I spent hours analyzing the most simple conversations and the potential motives of my friends. I was in jeopardy of running out of any church I walked into at the first opportunity. Whenever things got difficult, I ran away as fast as I could, as far as I could.

There have been times in the last two months when I thought of leaving the group I joined over the summer. It broke my heart to think of leaving, but things were getting too difficult (again) and I didn't believe that I correctly understood where God was leading me. There have been other issues at play regarding me leaving, and it felt like it was all coming to a breakingpoint. I was back to questioning Him in my life and ready to run.

Since the time I was in grad school (when I was in FPC), and cut all of my friends out of my life, I have distrusted God. To be honest, I had trust issues long before that, but something in my relationship with Him snapped during grad school. I opened the door for the lies and they immediately took up residence in my life, nearly killing me. Slowly, God has reclaimed those areas and brought me back to life. He's used this latest lesson as an opportunity to correct several things (or has started to correct).

Suddenly, I'm seeing how all of my trust issues are based on my relationships with people, not God. God has never abandonded me. He has never led me astray. I blamed Him for everything that happened in the college religious organization I joined. (I often refer this group as "the cult," something I suddenly feel led to stop doing-as I'm typing, we'll see how that goes). I felt like I couldn't trust Him or how I heard His leading in my life because I was in that group. I also felt as though I made unwise and poor decisions during that entire period of my life. In the end, I was so hurt by everything that happened and abandoned by those I loved, I let it break me to a point where I could no longer function.

He's slowly peeled away the layers and I'm seeing that He placed me there. There's no reason for me to not trust Him or my own decisions; I'm not inept and a stupid blonde-He placed me there and was by my side the whole time. I didn't make a bad choice by being there, it was where He called me to be. I was supposed to be there! I'm not sure why, but I know it was His will; I'm confident of it! (I know that's a lot of repition-I'm still shocked and excited about this revelation and keep repeating it different ways to try and fully grasp it. Sorry, moving on...)

I'm also confident that what happened the last ten months I was there happened because when He told me to leave, I refused and stayed. There were consequences for choosing my own path instead of His. However, His plan for me was to be with those people and have them be part of my life, for a time. I was just unwilling to follow anywhere He led me when He called me to move on. I couldn't understand how He wanted to me start over in the same city. (He got His way in the end, I started over several times in that city and have been so blessed by those friendships!)

To some of you, this may seem very simple and you may think that I should've realized this years ago. I think I got parts of it over the last couple of years, but it feels like the final piece of this puzzle is finally in place and I have complete peace about that time in my life. I'm no longer angry at God about it, I can fully trust Him. I feel as though a huge weight has lifted off me as I fully embrace this new perspective He's given me!

So, through this crazy, seemingly unrelated lesson, I'm learning to trust my relationship with God more and how/when He chooses to communicate to me through the Holy Spirit. Another blessing from this recent challenge has been that I know I can also trust my radar about certain people. I may be more sensitive than others, but there's nothing wrong with that. The individual who didn't respect my boundaries has shown me that he/she just isn't respectful, period. I don't need to be close friends with this person, I just need to pray for them and trust that God will bring someone into his/her life to help correct this behavior and attitude-it just isn't me.

Oh, and about leaving-I'm staying, until God calls me to move on to the next place. At least now I've learned how to move on while also allowing friends to remain in my life. I'm not very good at it, but I know I haven't shutdown and shut them out either. I'm still a work in progress, but aren't we all? =)