Shifting Pieces

The last couple of weeks haven't been all that great; they haven't been all that bad either. I feel like I'm drifting in a fog and I'm not sure from where the fog came or how I got caught in it. My life suddenly seems to be upside-down, only it isn't. I'm pretty sure this makes no sense to anyone, it doesn't really make any sense to me either-hence the fog.

I feel like Doris Day's character at the beginning of Midnight Lace, when she gets caught out in the bad London fog and someone tries to kill her. I identify with the panic the character experiences; the confusion about being lost and not having any bearings.

Recently, some pieces of my life haven fallen into place. The new pieces fitting have shifted others out. I know God is rearranging things for the better, but I'm feeling rather lost in the process. I know it's a hard process, it doesn't make it any easier though. I'm trying to trust Him more, but that's easier said than done.

Recently, a friend said I've been "off" lately. He/she didn't know what was really going on and I can't really explain it. I was a little sad at first that they realized I haven't been doing so well, but then was excited that they even cared to notice and mention it to me! This friend didn't accept the cheap shallow answers I tend to peddle to people. He/she saw beyond my front and pushed to dig deeper into my life. I need friends like this! I have so few of them, they're so precious to me. Most people are willing to remain outside my walls. There's nothing wrong with that, it's natural. But, I really appreciate friends who take the time and effort to get to know me and dig around in my life. It also meant a lot that he/she noticed and said something without me having to explain myself. I constantly explain myself to others-a habit I picked up years ago when I realized most people don't understand me or have no desire to understand me.

In the vein of being honest about things, this weekend has been a rather dismal for me. I was excited about the snow, but spent much of the time either on the verge of crying or ready to fly into a rage. Honestly, one of the highlights was remembering that I actually do have close friends who care deeply for me and consistently point me back to God, no matter what is going on in my life (or theirs).

I believe God likes my life messy, it means He's in there moving things to where they belong. I was lamenting earlier to a friend how much simpler life was a couple years ago. Granted, I had little to no desire to be alive and couldn't handle having friends in my life. But, there was a peacefulness then that has since disappeared. I know it was peaceful because I was largely comatose, the opposite of what God called me to do-live. Still, there are times that I miss that peacefulness. This weekend has been one of this nostalgic times for me. Strange, that I get nostalgic about lies-but that's where I've been lately.

A friend offered his/her complete support during this difficult time in the fog, for as long as God has me enveloped in it. I needed to hear that this evening, I needed to be reminded that God has me right where He wants me and He's with me. God should be my focus, not the fog-I'm so easily distracted. When will I learn?